The Same Stuff

I really appreciate ya'll who leave comments and support! Sometimes I wish we could be more open with people face to face in everyday life, but that would just not be socially appropriate, would it? I feel like I don't know anyone in this town where I'm attending (on good days) college. I've been here a year, and still my ex is the only one whose life I'm really familiar with. To answer your question, Frida, we've been broken up a year (I forgot to take my Effexor for a while and did it) and still haven't started dating other people. He's calling now more often and we watched the Cowboys, so I guess we're taking steps, but I don't think he wants a relationship. Not that I would be a good gf anyway, who wants a bulimic, uncofident, pessimistic gf? I do want a bf right now, but not for the security, so that I'll have something outward and social to focus on other than food, myself, and being isolated.

The Cymbalta is okay now, but I'm not feeling motivated or exuberant or anything. Just not as depressed as I should be about having and unfulfilling, boring, bulimic life. One of the hardest parts of the day is waking up and not wanting to skip class to binge. How ridiculous is that?! Most responsible adults know they can't miss work or school just to eat. Psychoanalytically, I think my id is overdevelopped and I can't ignore that impulse to eat and binge. There is this coping mechanism (a good one) identified by Freud called sublimation where people are able to replace their inappropriate desires with a constructive or neutral action. That sounds amazing to me and I only wish I could find something as enjoyable as bingeing.

There was one day 2 weeks ago that I didn't binge. Funny story. This guy I have kinda known and seen around campus asked me to be his date to his fraternaty's wine tasting party. It was a dress up event and social things sometimes scare me so I was apprehensive but agreed to go. After class, I got my roots dyed ($17 at ogle hair school!) and finally found a pretty black and silver dress. I was really stressed and anxious about the event so I wanted to binge first, but knew there wasn't really time. I went to Target and bout a few tops and a bunch of food so I could at least have it at home to know it was there for when I needed to binge. (Weird reasoning, but it gave me a rush just buying it.) At home getting ready, I kept thinking about the food, but went to the party and actually looked very classy and sexy I think (no cleavage but the dress was tight). My date gave me a flower and was sweet. He's from Russia and has these pretty blue eyes.... A lot of the people were already tipsy when we arrived, but we tasted a lot of wines and I mostly had white bc the red was too bitter. Well I don't know when I got tipsy, but suddenly things felt really good and the wine wasn't so bad. I told him he had to drink more, though, to be tipsy too. I rarely drink anyway, so I don't know when it went from tipsy to drunk, but I started feeling wobbly and tired. We were making out a little (I think he initiated it) and he suggested we go to this bar. So he drove us, and I kept trying to put my head down and he had to shout my name or keep kissing me to keep me from dozing off! Well I definitely stopped drinking at the party and after a few min at the bar, he took me home. (I didn't let him in, you guys I'm not like that!) So I just went upstairs and went to bed.

It was a fun experience, but I don't think I'd have let him kiss me sober. Oh, this is weird, on the way to the party, Travis called me and I had to tell him I was going out. He didn't call me all that week, and then decided to on the way to the party. So the Russian guy.....I thought I'd embarrassed myself and he wouldn't call, but he texted the next morning and asked if I'd like to go out on a real date sometime. I told him I had a good time and "sure" so later he texted and asked if I wanted to go to a comedy club the next day, but I never texted back bc Travis and I were supposed to hang out. Anyway, on Sunday night he texted, "hope you had a great weekend....later" and I haven't heard from him so I guess he's pissed. I probably sabotaged the possibility of any relationship, friendship, or dating with him and I don't know why. He's a really nice guy and a lot of girls find him attractive. I'll just chalk it up to the fact that he's not 6ft. and I like tall guys. That's simple enough.