Still Struggling

Well I'm still here...barely, it feels like. Last semester didn't go so well with school. I made an A and a C, but had to take two incompletes. Luckily, I was able to finish with a B in one of those classes and still have a test to take for the other. This semester, I'm only in 3 "real" classes and pilates. Since I never workout, pilates is great because it is relaxing and uplifting while providing some toning. It also doesn't require much energy which is great because I never have any to give. It just amazes me how people can get through a day of school or work without feeling fatigued or exhausted. Will I ever be normal enough to do that?

The bulimia is not good lately. I went somewhere for a while where I could not binge (and therefore had 2 weeks of abstinence), but ever since returning I've gone crazy and just felt like I have to binge at least once a day, usually twice. Ugh, what a waste of time, energy, and money. It really pisses me off. Yesterday, for example, I had a healthy lunch put energy and effort into my hair and makeup to go up to the library to do some schoolwork for a few hours. After an hour, I could barely concentrate because I was so desperate to binge. It was so hard to focus on the material, so I only skimmed over 2 chapters.

Travis and I have been talking a little. He actually came over last night for a few hours. It was the first time seeing each other in a long time. Weird, you would think, but things are always the same between us no matter how long we're apart. I don't know why we can't just be friends or something. If he got a girlfriend or I got a boyfriend, it would make moving on a lot more realistic. But he says he doesn't want a relationship right now, and I doubt I could be a good gf anyway...

On a positive note, I've been going to some bible studies at my school. I always try to talk myself out of going because being around new people is intimidating, but my mom says that's the devil trying to keep me away. One of them is a baptist group which is pretty huge, but we break into small groups after singing. That one I feel really awkward going to... The other is a Church of Christ group that is smaller, but more comfortable feeling. I was raised baptist, but I think I'll keep going to both till I figure out which one speaks to me more.