Honesty

Being real is important, or at least honest in what you say or how you act. So I'm all up in my addiction right now. I guess I've gotten better at purging because my weight has gone down from its usual set point around 108. It was 102 this morning but that was before eating or purging. I guess as long as it stays under 105, that's okay. Funny, bc that was my target weight in high school, which was never attained. Now that I'm there, I look at myself and dislike me so much more! Anyway, I just don't know why I love and enjoy eating so much. Seriously, I could do it all day! Bulimia is my best friend right now, (yes I do hate what it does) so maybe that's why it's so tough to give up.
I went to my therapist a few days ago. She's so personable, smart, and soothing, I wish I could see her everyday or she would adopt me or something, lol! She suggested not being so hard on myself and forgiving myself, but I feel like I already let myself get away with too much. You know? Like a little kid! If I want ice cream and cake, I go buy it and eat it. Well I had 2 tests that day, which I didn't study nearly enough for. Like I ever do :( The Psychology of Personality test was okay, but I've missed half the classes so I probably didn't make an A or do great. The Spanish test felt difficult when I took it, but I knew all the words and answers, so I'm sure that went well. Maybe if I'd been reviewing the book rather than eating ice cream/cookies before the psych test, I would have done better. In a weird way, bingeing right before helped relax me too.
My ex has sent me email messages and a few texts. Usually I ignore, but I responded to a text last night and he said something like he was working on a lab and I could stop by when I was done at the library. I don't call him, so I've been waiting for him to call me, but he hasnt' since last Friday. It reminds me of that phrase, "He's just not into You" because I figure if I meant anything to him, he would call. Other guys called me this week, not that I answered, but if they're moderately interested and persistent, at least that's more than he is. Blah. It's Friday and I ran out of Cymbalta yesterday, so it should be an interesting weekend.....

I'm Still Here

If anyone still reads this blog, it is a wonder. I never feel like posting, yet I love to red other blogs and catch a glimpse of your genuine, exciting lives. Mine, unfortunately, is boring and stalled at the moment. I am alone, more so than anyone I know. This is all my doing, as I've pushed everyone away and fool myself into thinking I like solidarity most of the time. I thought my ex wanted to be in my life again, but he has stopped calling, only sent breif facebook messages to which I won't respond. I don't need a guy anyway, right now I just seem to want food. I feel ugly and empty as well, but that is what I have chosen for my life right now, so I am those things becase I live this way.
When I think about the space and things I am wasting, it hurts too much. I switched from Effexor to Cymbalta, but I guess I need more or something because I don't like the reality of the pain and emptiness I am allowed to feel. True, some days I make good choices and go to all my classes and can even abstain from bingeing and purging if I'm really busy with school or social things. It sucks that these good days are outnumbered by bad, lazy, or lonely days.
I want to be successful, but I doubt sincerely that I am strong enough for that. I HATE the person that I have become, so weak and ugly, succeptible to more negativity than anyone would admit. Never making the right choices, taking responsibility, being a functional adult. This is all so impossible and overwhelming. I can't do it, so why am I here and what is my purpose? Somehow, I can't ever picture a normal life with a job, a husband, kids, a house, etc. So what do you do with yourself if you can't handle life? I'd like to disappear...... there is no guy that loves me, I know there never can be. I don't have a job, a degree, siblings, friends, anything. So disappearing, or, death, would be great.
This is what is so horrible and ironic. I was thinking about my aunt Sharon the other day. My mom's only sister. My mom was 15, and going on a trip with Sharon and her husband, who were both 20 or 21, I think. They were in the car driving, my mom in the backseat, and Jerry (Sharon's husband) swerved for a rabbit and crashed. My aunt was thrown from the car and later died at the hospital, while Jerry and my mom were fine. They were only married for 6 months when this happened, but Sharon had a job and a promising future. Why would this happen to someone with such a beautiful life? Last year when I was 21, I had none of that, and probably lead an insignificant, appaling existence compared to Sharon. Yet, my life wasn't sacrificed. It's just hugely disgusting and ironic that someone like me is still here at this point, but Sharon had to die at such an inopportune stage in her life.

New Pills

Can I do it today? That is the question. When I try to go even a day without bingeing, the anxiety is overwhelming. Why? I know tons about nutrition, health, anatomy, beauty, psychology. Still, I haven't found that one thing that can fulfill me and replace indulging in every food imaginable. Is it even out there? I love hiking, but there is nowhere in Dallas or Ft Worth for that. The most peaceful, beatiful place is up in the mountains near Taos, NM. In the midst of my bulimia, I was able to hike, along with my parents, up and down the 10 hr. trail. I don't think I've ever felt so genuinely, purely happy as I did up there. We hiked it a few times before, in years previous when we visited. I called it "the pretty place." Ha, that is so far from the ghetto, urban, loud surroundings of DFW. Okay, I don't live in a really bad area, but I get so fed up with people around here sometimes. Maybe thats a trigger. Its funny, I can't list any genuine hobbies that I have around here. I'm too weak to work out, but when I do abstain from purging, it is a true hobby. Not a replacement, though, it isn't THAT enjoyable. Reading needs to be my new hobby, as I want to get smarter, and always have the desire to know more. Still, I don't crave books! When I get back from Dallas Presbyterian (inpatient program), I plan to find an enjoyable place to do my community service, and hopefully volunteer afterwards. Maybe I will stumble across something. After inpatient, I hope to have energy to work, work out, go out with friends, and most importantly, focus on school. I love my classes I take (except Chem) and want to get more out of them this fall. Lately, I've only been able to complete 2 at a time bc all my time and energy is spent eating, sleeping, or purging. How pathetic is that? I was one of the top students in my hs class, and I haven't even graduated after 4 years! I just hope this recovery process clears out some room in my thoughts for school. Today, I'm still unpacking, cleaning, and organizing my new apt. Oh yes, and the pills! Almost forgot..... I haven't taken any diet pills for a month or so (they never really help), but I'm so tired of being lazy and gluttonous. So I got these new "Xenadrine Hardcore" pills which claim to have "nootrogenic properties" and of course make me feel sick if I don't eat. Well I'm probably not supposed to be taking diet pills, as I'm on Effexor, but its better than throwing up all day! At least I'm getting something done. Besides, they're not allowing any pills, organic food, computers, or cell phones at the hospital. Well I'll get back to doing the wash now...

Hello Again

It has been forever since my last post, but my life is still stalling in normal progression, so I guess its fitting. The bad news is that I have fallen back into my old habits completely, with the constant b/p cycle. All that therapy for nothing. The good news is that I'm waiting to begin an inpatient program for ed's at a local hospital. While I hate the idea of giving up control and committing all my time to some mental program centered around food, I realize its necessary for me to achieve SOME sort of meaningful life. Right now I'm just waiting......
Other than moving, the only thing I accomplished this summer was taking a summer 1 class at the college. Abnormal psychology, how ironic, right? I learned some interesnting things and loved the class, however I barely attended class and read the chapters over about once due to eating, purging, and sleeping. So I made a damn B. Okay, I deserved it, (well I probably deserved a C) but I HATE not making an A in such an easy class, especially when its my bulimia and resulting laziness holding me back.
I miss working out! The soreness, the focus, the yummy guys, and mostly the feelings of inner peace and strength afterwards. Effexor doesn't have near as significant effect on my neurotransmitters as a workout has! The norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor part of this med is supposed to cause somewhat of an activating response, but it never gives me extra energy or will to do things. Prozac is the only med FDA approved to help bulimics, but I used to take it and received only bipolar-like mood swings. Does anyone take meds that seem to help in any of these aspects? Any tips to get back on track? I'm out for now...

Something New

Okay, ENOUGH about plastic surgery, beauty, thinness, etc. One of the only good things that I have developed in the 4 years since high school is the realization that money, things, and beauty can't make you happy. Yesterday I was driving around, quite lost, in Dallas trying to find this Wal Mart (the only kind in the country) with organic food, sushi bar, novelies such as those. Well I was trying to find this intersection and found myself among a private, woody, exclusive neighborhood of estates. Not mansions or anything, but each home was eclectic, refined, and I'm assuming well over a million. A while ago, I would have stared longingly at them, thought "why didn't I grow up like this", and dwelled on how I am going to have all that one day. With spite or jealousy towards girls my age with that fortune. But yesterday it was nice to see these new unique homes I didn't know existed, but mainly I was concerned with being lost and not wasting gas! Oh well, I found out the store was actually on another street with the same name, and managed to navigate back to Arlington, settling with Whole Foods.
I met up to watch the Spurs/Mavs game with a guy from match.com last night. He was okay, great to talk to ( a psych graduate), but not captivating to me. I was concerned more with my nose being uneven and told him as much. It is still swollen bc the splint came off earlier that day. I really didn't care about trying to be a good date, besides I always pay for myself! Well the game was probably the highlight, as my Spurs finally came back. I had half a margarita that was nasty and was reminded that I don't like the taste of even strawberry margaritas. So I was buzzed and maybe slightly tipsy and feeling a little better. I only ordered a half order of the salad, and still felt overly full afterwards. Whats that about? It always feels like I am fat and bloated if I eat more than 350 calories at once. I'm not trying to starve myself, but its so hard to be NORMAL! Will it ever happen? I was disappointed at the lack of chemistry between this dude and I. It seems like I only get crushes on guys before I meet them. Afterwards its just not that great. Not that I'm trying to find a new boyfriend, but some excitement would be a nice change! So after my good day, on this day, I conceded and got some "bad food" before going home. It wasn't even fun. I hate the disease so much now and desire real life, that the bingeing just isn't as thrilling as it used to be. I know thats a good sign, but the next step is finding something to help me say NO at those impulse instances. Any suggestions?

Day One Again

I am amazed to discover my blog has been read, and after reading numerous others tonight, I am so so grateful not to feel alone again. The past four days or so were tainted with bingeing and purging. I don't know how, but by some miracle, today was pure. My life is in such a transitory state right now, the excitement of it all is sometimes overshadowed by fear. I am getting over a two year relationship, attempting to finish college, discerning where my life should go, dating a lot, and had plastic surgery last week. Something I despise is the way society chides cosmetic enhancement. Does anyone question a mom for paying thousands on kids' braces? I just had my nose done, lip implants, and buccal fat pad removal. Surprisingly, those surgeries were far less painful than my introduction to braces. And don't get me started on tatoos. Though I don't have one, I think submitting yourself to a needle and permanent green poison is far from natural. So here's the bottom line on plastic surgery: we read or go to school to improve our minds, we socialize and worship to improve emotional connections, so perhaps its not so superficial to want to desire a prime exterior. Conversely, I don't think anyone with bulimia is an ideal candidate for plastic surgery.
Sadly, the main accomplishment of the day (aside from binge abstainace) was my workout. Well it was more the implimentation of a committment. One of my life goals is to run a marathon. Not to lose weight or anything competitive, but because it seems like an amazing thing the body could do with the complete support of the mind. That is my area of weakness: mind over matter, or mind over body. For some reason, my mind always loses. Except when it comes to not having sex, but thats another issue for another day. I just think it would be a huge accomplisment, and a boost in recovery if I could have the discipline to complete such a task. So today I ran...... about 2 and a quarter miles. Nice start, huh? So the marathon is in Sept. and located in Maui. Life is all about sacrifices and rewards. If I can sacrifice my laziness and train and complete this marathon, the reward shall be Maui. I can assure you, living in Texas, the nicest beach I've seen is Galveston. Brown and rocky. Not even South Padre. So I'm going to work towards this in any way that helps. The dreams are so hard, though. Do the dreams of gorging yourself on cookies, donuts, and ice cream ever go away?

Foggy Sleepy "Good Day"

Last night I was so frustrated with myself for bingeing all weekend. Such a waste. So I decided to make it through today and try for two more. I have done one day a few times since beginning counseling, but I guess I'm trying for 3. Healthy breakfast, no lunch. I drove over an hour for a plastic surgery consultation today. Bad traffic and no time to eat. Really, I know when I "should" eat if its an all healthy day. I was excited to see the plastic surgeon, though. We discussed lip augmentation, rhinoplasty, and cheek fat removal. This subject has such a negative connotation, but I don't think it makes me less of a person to engage in improving aesthetic features. My philosophy is "better to be fake on the outside than on the inside", so I try to follow that every day by saying what I think, being friendly to strangers (because I honestly want it reciprocated), and acting out from what I truly feel inside. There are a lot of fake people, but most of them have been conditioned and raised to fit in, be politically correct, and keep an appropriate filter on their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Right now, that just doesn't work for me. So I guess that I'm so used to people not liking the real me (proven by my lack of girlfriends), that I always want to look better and be prettier. Probably to fit in or be admired. Okay, that reason for cosmetic surgery is questionable. But here's a good point. Most kids get braces for a few years to make their teeth forever straight. They cost over a grand and inflict significant pain. Then there are tatoos. My mom despises plastic surgery. But for some reason she found it necessary to poison her skin with an ugly, permanent angel (christmas ornament-looking!) tatoo for her 50th birthday. These are obviously fake, where as cosmetic surgery is optimally natural looking. How is defacing your precious skin with GREEN ink an attractive, socially acceptable practice?
Enough about that. I was starving when I got back to the apt, but had plans to work out with this dude, K, that I met at the gym. So.... with the gym to look forward to, I ate an (all organic) whole wheat tortilla with chicken dog and cheese, carrots, and a kiwi. Ever notice how the hungrier you are, the better that nutritional food tastes? Well people kept calling and I sure could have watched some enticing tv, bought some goodies, and closed everything out. But I have to make this new way of life a habit. Its not fun, but at the end of the day, it really is worth it. It seems everytime I go to the gym, something nice happens. Usually I meet a new guy. Okay I know thats not the purpose of workouts or in the equation of recovery. But eye candy is a much safer indulgence daily than chocolate candy! If I'm not sore tomorrow, though, it was a waste. Too much talking and deficient muscle burn. I love to "feel the burn", and if you think about it, the moments of slight pain in a workout are almost like the feeling of purging. Its not fun in the moment, but its so intense, that it can temporarily releive the hurtful thoughts dancing through our minds. Like bulimia, working out is addicting. Anyone who has done hard cardio for 3o or more minutes and felt the subsequent adrenaline high would agree. It may be way less addicting and I heard you had to do actions 21 times to make them a habit. Well, hell, I have at least 13 more to go, so those juicy boys better keep their butts up at the gym as my temporary incentive! So....... a cutie talked to me on the way out of the gym and I went home to a lovely salad. Green bell peppers (of course organic) are so yummy and salmon has a lot of fat, but is okay in moderation and a nice topping for salad. Frozen blueberries, well, one day they will fully replace ice cream. But they did the trick for tonight. I am so tired and have an early skin appointment tomorrow. Better study though because the day really is a waste if nothing significant is learned.

Introduction

I'm not really sure how to start this. Reading other women's blogs is giving me insight that I am not alone, not spiraling towards death, and not really moving forward. I have been bulimic for four years now. Most girls I meet who claim to have had an ED, seem to have just "grown out of it" or some simple solution. Here in Texas maybe people just don't talk about it. I thought I would grow out of it as well. And for any readers who think, "when I reach my goal weight, I won't need to purge anymore", let me tell you it can easily get worse and fill numerous other purposes in your life besides the one (losing weight) it started out as. At the end of hs, I weighed 140 and somehow, during the past 2 years, I've reached the approximate target goal and settled around 110. So why does 100 sound so desirably elusive? I would have killed back then to weigh 115. It was the perfect goal for a long time during the beginning of this sickness. But it really doesn't matter now. Sure things are better on the surface. As in clothes, my figure, the way guys treat me, etc. However, is our purpose in life REALLY to be concerned 100 percent with the surface? I can see now that whatever I gained from this disorder is nothing compared with everything I've lost. But no matter what is lost, I think the main thing is for all of us to not lose hope. Some days I come close to giving up and shutting down. Other days I'm numb to the reality of life and my situation. Though the best days must be those when I can retain the concept of hope. I have been to a few therapists, but only a few weeks ago, met with an actual specialist. Conveniently, my insurance is fighting not to allow an out-of-plan referral. But meeting with this doctor a few times has made the hope more prevalent and fuelled a curiosity of what I could have (not materialistically) when the bulimia is given up. So at the moment, my abstinence rate is only 2 days. So I'm going to try for three this week in a row. There has got to be something out there more fulfilling.