Forward and Backward

I don't know really what to post since I hate posting negative things so much. Things were going really okay for a whole 5 1/2 days. Thats how long I actually went without bingeing or purging. In the past three years, that's the longest amount of abstainence from bulimia I've had. You know, at the time, the days weren't that unbearably hard. Sure, little annoyances were tough to deal with, but each day became easier and clearer. The amazing thing was that I began to notice the small moments or things we overlook that are funny or beautiful. Sometimes I found myself smiling for no reason and enjoying coming into contact with new people. Going to class was much easier, as was studying. The hard part is forcing myself to eat, eat often, sometimes in class, and to make the best choices. For some people, going slightly overboard or making a rash choice is harmless, but for me, I always let it give me permission to binge, throw up, and maybe not eat for the rest of the day.
Perhaps the difference was made by adding Abilify (tiny amount of a schizo. medicine) although the motivation has subsided somewhat now. Or it could be the few Overeaters Anon meetings I attended were helpful. There are some amazing people who have been OA memebers for years. One lady I met said she had been in a wheelchair due to her weight, and has lost 100 lbs. (solely through OA) and been abstinent for over a year now. Either the program or the person must be extremely powerful to pull someone out of a wheelchair after weight caused that. The meetings do help, but I feel like the members are much stronger and further along than I. They have one every day, so why haven't I gone in a week? Maybe I don't feel worthy of going right now because lately I've been throwing up every day and just not living a real life. I thought one time after that many days wouldn't hurt, but it pretty much sucked me back in, and now I can't stop again.
Thanksgiving is so soon, and I want to see everyone again, especially my cousins. I'm determined we will all go ice skating or something! However, the middle 2 are teenagers and hard to keep up with, lol! Not sure if my parents and I are going there or staying just us 3 in my hometown. I'm hoping if there are lots of people around, the eating will be easier to moderate, because I know at home with my parents I'll go crazy with food. My Dad doesn't even really talk to me, just looks with disgust or disbeleif. Nothing I do is right for him, so it doesn't matter anyway. If I eat all the food he'll be pissed and if I barely eat like when I started dieting in hs, he'll make comments about that too. Yeah, I'm 22, and I wore leggings the other day (okay my shirt only half covered my butt) when my mom and I were going to town, and on the way out of the house he was like, "What is that?" Referring to what I was wearing. Well I don't care except if they made me look fat, so I asked, but he wouldn't even answer. And I KNOW my mom won't say the truth. I finally weigh 100 pounds, but if my dad thinks I look fat in leggings, then what the hell am I supposed to do?
I wasn't ever 100 in high school, so this is nice, but where is the boyfriend and where are the guys supposedly who like skinny girls with big boobs? This is lonely. I don't feel pretty yet, and definitely not happy. Those 5 days were the most genuine happiness I've had in a long time, and they didn't have anything to do with a guy. On a funny note, I started liking the Russian guy, and we hung out, talked a few times, went to a movie. During that week.... but he was flaky so I wasn't sure if he liked me anyway, but turns out he is a BAD kisser. Darn. Plus, I hear that he changes his actions/characteristics depending on the girl he's trying to charm. Well we can cross him off the list. I know it's not healthy to "try" to have a bf while you're sick with this, but I also feel like being with other people helps pull me out of the obsession, out of the food, and out of my apt. So in a way it seems to help. Any thoughts on that? Thanks for reading. I'll post again soon :)