Crazy Night

It's 4am right now and I have 2 tests tomorrow. AAAhhh! I was at the library studying (and on match.com and talking) for 8 hours. I doubt if I'm going to sleep, but that's cool. Tonight was drama. First of all, I found out this guy I liked a year ago, but had never met in person, was sitting with his friends right next to me. He introduced himself and we were all joking around. So he asks for some gum and I said, "What do I get?" He asked what I wanted. I said a kiss. So anyway... we were walking around and on the stair landing I asked when we were going to kiss, he said whenever, so I went for it. My heart was pounding and I was so nervous. It was fun, but I don't know if I did a good job, lol! He said I was a pretty good kisser, but I doubt he thought so. First kisses with a guy usually aren't that great bc you have to adapt to each others' styles. We talked and he said he wants to hang out, so we'll see. I already have a major crush on him!

Then this other guy I had hit on called and asked to pick me up for coffee. I'm not really into him after talking on the phone, but hey, attention and interaction with guys is necessary for me. We go to Starbucks and he keeps staring at me and calling me "smokin." Not to mention he kept looking down at my boobs. He asked why Travis and I broke up. I said I had some health issues that got in the way. He looked concerned and I said, "Nothing major like cancer." Then he asked if it was an STD and I said no. He starts acting really strange and says we should go. In the car, he said he wasn't ready to date and all this crap and kept incenuating that I had an STD! His ex hates me, and I think she made this up and told him. I have never in my life been treated that way! So he wouldn't believe me about not having one and as he dropped me off back at school, I finally got fed up and told him I have an eating disorder and walked away. He kept trying to apologize and tell me how "hot" I was then. He even said, "If you have an ed and look that great, all women should have an ed!" Can you believe it? What an ignorant jerk!

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow for a holiday job. It's at a Bright0n store at the mall. I really need it. I will also be taking a winter minimester (Global Cultures, yay) over the break. If I keep up with school, I can even graduate at the end of summer! After 6 years of college, lol!

Thanksgiving was fun. I ate two medium size plates of food, but wasn't stuffed. I didn't purge. I did take lax's. Bad, I know. My teenage cousins and I saw Enchanted at the theater. If you are a romantic or need a good laugh, it's a great movie to see, even for adults! Unfortunately, I got in a foul mood after being around all that food and not binging all day. So I did it at home later that night. I really want one day of abstinence. I know that can lead to recovery, but I'm just asking for one day. Thank you for reading! I'll probably post again this weekend.

Relapse, alcohol

Well I'm drunk or buzzed, yay! Unforutunately in bed alone. Althjough if a guy were here we'd only be making out. But...so tonight my roommate and I went to bar and I had some beer (I haven't drank in sooo long). And a semi cute guy talked to us and bought us a drink. Whatever and then I saw a cute guy and introduced myself bc you know all that fake confidence is just working!! So I had to talk to both of them separately. I met a really cool girl there too, she taught english and is working on her phD, impressive! so I masked the perpetual deparaession for a few hours.

Bad, bad, bad. I went 3.5 days withough b/p. Then today Travis comes over and we have a talk. He said we're maybe not on a break and maybe not broken up forever. He wants me to fxi my ed and irresponsibility. The weird thing was I didn't have any cravings till he got here then I was overwhelmed with food cravings. Almost shaking. He thinks I do better without him. I have been going to the gym and eating healthy for the last few days. So why does his presence or us being togethr make me want to binge? He thinks he is the cause of making it worse! Could that be true? Say it is isn't so! Please, please, pray for me to fight the monster ED. I am determined.

Hurting

I feel so lonely right now and hurting so much. Travis and I just broke up. 3 years off and on down the drain. He says he loves me but can't be in love partly bc of the ed thing. Whatever, he'll find someone better and love her and marry her. All that time in my life was wasted with him. I have NOTHING now. I mean it. School is so screwed up bc I haven't been going to class due to eating. I have no brothers or sisters, no friends, just nothing.

So now I hate bulimia more than ever. I kind of want to die I hate life so much. Just not be here. It would feel so much better. No matter what I'm done with bulimia. No more binging or purging. It has destroyed my life. I'm not giving in to it. Ever. Whatever it takes, screaming, crying, bleeding, drinking, smoking, fucking. I don't care. And I hate the "f" word btw. So bulimia has gone out the door, like Travis, to be a part of my life no more.

Raw

Okay, so I'm not going on a diet. But there is something new I'm trying. I've been watching some videos on you tube about eating raw and all the benefits: clearer skin, more energy, weight regulation, less sickness, etc. I've also viewed some great raw recipes on you tube for cold soups, green smoothies, "cookies", practically anything. It all inspired me to buy a ton of fruits and veggies and try eating mostly raw. That's not to say I'm going to stop binging or indulging in light frappucinos, but I will be "digesting" 90% raw food. Most advocates say it also reduces cravings for cooked food and sweets, so I'm going to try it for a while and see. Whatever it takes for me to stop eating and go to class!

In other news, Travis, my supposed bf, hasn't called in about 4 days or texted! He calls me everyday, usually multiple times, so I know something's up. Whatever, I'm not going to cry over it, as I have a prospect or two in mind. I guess I'll assume we're broken up. It's so weird, though because we didn't have a fight or anything. Maybe he finally met someone better. I knew that would happen eventually. All he has to do is find a cute girl without an eating disorder and there ya go.

I'm really going to try not to binge today. It will get difficult when Desperate Housewives comes on, though. I'm making a raw soup tonight with: tomatoes, spinach, garlic, cucumber, basil, olive oil, lemon juice, and water. The fat in the olive oil should make me feel full, but we'll see. Let me know if any of you try it!