Introduction

I'm not really sure how to start this. Reading other women's blogs is giving me insight that I am not alone, not spiraling towards death, and not really moving forward. I have been bulimic for four years now. Most girls I meet who claim to have had an ED, seem to have just "grown out of it" or some simple solution. Here in Texas maybe people just don't talk about it. I thought I would grow out of it as well. And for any readers who think, "when I reach my goal weight, I won't need to purge anymore", let me tell you it can easily get worse and fill numerous other purposes in your life besides the one (losing weight) it started out as. At the end of hs, I weighed 140 and somehow, during the past 2 years, I've reached the approximate target goal and settled around 110. So why does 100 sound so desirably elusive? I would have killed back then to weigh 115. It was the perfect goal for a long time during the beginning of this sickness. But it really doesn't matter now. Sure things are better on the surface. As in clothes, my figure, the way guys treat me, etc. However, is our purpose in life REALLY to be concerned 100 percent with the surface? I can see now that whatever I gained from this disorder is nothing compared with everything I've lost. But no matter what is lost, I think the main thing is for all of us to not lose hope. Some days I come close to giving up and shutting down. Other days I'm numb to the reality of life and my situation. Though the best days must be those when I can retain the concept of hope. I have been to a few therapists, but only a few weeks ago, met with an actual specialist. Conveniently, my insurance is fighting not to allow an out-of-plan referral. But meeting with this doctor a few times has made the hope more prevalent and fuelled a curiosity of what I could have (not materialistically) when the bulimia is given up. So at the moment, my abstinence rate is only 2 days. So I'm going to try for three this week in a row. There has got to be something out there more fulfilling.