Something New

Okay, ENOUGH about plastic surgery, beauty, thinness, etc. One of the only good things that I have developed in the 4 years since high school is the realization that money, things, and beauty can't make you happy. Yesterday I was driving around, quite lost, in Dallas trying to find this Wal Mart (the only kind in the country) with organic food, sushi bar, novelies such as those. Well I was trying to find this intersection and found myself among a private, woody, exclusive neighborhood of estates. Not mansions or anything, but each home was eclectic, refined, and I'm assuming well over a million. A while ago, I would have stared longingly at them, thought "why didn't I grow up like this", and dwelled on how I am going to have all that one day. With spite or jealousy towards girls my age with that fortune. But yesterday it was nice to see these new unique homes I didn't know existed, but mainly I was concerned with being lost and not wasting gas! Oh well, I found out the store was actually on another street with the same name, and managed to navigate back to Arlington, settling with Whole Foods.
I met up to watch the Spurs/Mavs game with a guy from match.com last night. He was okay, great to talk to ( a psych graduate), but not captivating to me. I was concerned more with my nose being uneven and told him as much. It is still swollen bc the splint came off earlier that day. I really didn't care about trying to be a good date, besides I always pay for myself! Well the game was probably the highlight, as my Spurs finally came back. I had half a margarita that was nasty and was reminded that I don't like the taste of even strawberry margaritas. So I was buzzed and maybe slightly tipsy and feeling a little better. I only ordered a half order of the salad, and still felt overly full afterwards. Whats that about? It always feels like I am fat and bloated if I eat more than 350 calories at once. I'm not trying to starve myself, but its so hard to be NORMAL! Will it ever happen? I was disappointed at the lack of chemistry between this dude and I. It seems like I only get crushes on guys before I meet them. Afterwards its just not that great. Not that I'm trying to find a new boyfriend, but some excitement would be a nice change! So after my good day, on this day, I conceded and got some "bad food" before going home. It wasn't even fun. I hate the disease so much now and desire real life, that the bingeing just isn't as thrilling as it used to be. I know thats a good sign, but the next step is finding something to help me say NO at those impulse instances. Any suggestions?

Day One Again

I am amazed to discover my blog has been read, and after reading numerous others tonight, I am so so grateful not to feel alone again. The past four days or so were tainted with bingeing and purging. I don't know how, but by some miracle, today was pure. My life is in such a transitory state right now, the excitement of it all is sometimes overshadowed by fear. I am getting over a two year relationship, attempting to finish college, discerning where my life should go, dating a lot, and had plastic surgery last week. Something I despise is the way society chides cosmetic enhancement. Does anyone question a mom for paying thousands on kids' braces? I just had my nose done, lip implants, and buccal fat pad removal. Surprisingly, those surgeries were far less painful than my introduction to braces. And don't get me started on tatoos. Though I don't have one, I think submitting yourself to a needle and permanent green poison is far from natural. So here's the bottom line on plastic surgery: we read or go to school to improve our minds, we socialize and worship to improve emotional connections, so perhaps its not so superficial to want to desire a prime exterior. Conversely, I don't think anyone with bulimia is an ideal candidate for plastic surgery.
Sadly, the main accomplishment of the day (aside from binge abstainace) was my workout. Well it was more the implimentation of a committment. One of my life goals is to run a marathon. Not to lose weight or anything competitive, but because it seems like an amazing thing the body could do with the complete support of the mind. That is my area of weakness: mind over matter, or mind over body. For some reason, my mind always loses. Except when it comes to not having sex, but thats another issue for another day. I just think it would be a huge accomplisment, and a boost in recovery if I could have the discipline to complete such a task. So today I ran...... about 2 and a quarter miles. Nice start, huh? So the marathon is in Sept. and located in Maui. Life is all about sacrifices and rewards. If I can sacrifice my laziness and train and complete this marathon, the reward shall be Maui. I can assure you, living in Texas, the nicest beach I've seen is Galveston. Brown and rocky. Not even South Padre. So I'm going to work towards this in any way that helps. The dreams are so hard, though. Do the dreams of gorging yourself on cookies, donuts, and ice cream ever go away?