Something big happened this morning. I woke up, weighed myself (as usual), and saw I'd gained a pound after a day of very mild eating and no purging. Finally, and abstinent day! This pound inspirted my ED voice to yell, "TAKE TRAVIS HOME, GET FOOD, EAT, EAT, PUKE!" It tried to convince me that if I wasn't rewarded after a day of eating right, then I don't deserve to keep down anything. I thought of all the food I could exploit, desired it, and got pissed again. I'm sick of the scale making me feel bad or good or obsessed with numbers! It has been my special friend dictating my self-worth for 4 years! NO FREAKIN MORE!
So I grabbed the scale, hammer, and Travis, and ran down 3 flights in my pj's to the dumpster. I hit it, smashed it, pummelled it, over and over into 1000 pieces. It felt great. No longer will I let ED's tool be in my home.
I'm still disappointed and feel huge, but moving to a new phase of life, graduating college, means leaving this gloomy shadow behind. Not saying I won't binge/purge, but not right now and not constantly. My goal: I shall not binge for over an hour at a time, and not more than once a day. It doesn't thrill me the way it used to.
Finished the project for the psych professor. Next week they may teach me data entry, and later gathering recent literature on specific health psych topics. The 6 hours I spent volunteering there this week were so better spent than had I been home eating. This Wellbutrin doesn't let me sleep much, though. Did you know less sleep can raise cortisol and other hormones which attribute to fat gain? Must learn more about that...... This weekend will be challenging. Any of you get rest, have safe fun, and enjoy it!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
New
I'm going to be okay. I'm never going to be perfect, and I may never be completely happy with myself, but things are going to be okay. So many things have happened this week! Went to therapy today, helping with research/revision in the psychology dept, head of a psych society committee, added a new antidepressant (Wellbutrin), making A's on my tests, and more.
My binges are once a day, and have even been cut down to an hour or less (as opposed to 1.5). There is a huge shift in my brain it seems. I'm desiring something more, a goal, something to be excited and passionate about. This is the role bulimia filled for me, but it's just not doing it anymore. Any ideas on a replacement?
I love psychology, but don't know what field to go into, there are so many: counseling, experimental, health, etc. I have this overwhelming need to learn and dig and DO something now. My mind never stops going. This can be a BAD thing when I'm sitting in class feeling fat, noticing thinner girls, thinking of food. But I need an avenue for those thoughts, which want to go a different direction now. I'm thinking maybe doing free tutuoring for middle or hs students, but don't know how to go about it.
Tomorrow is my bf's bday. We're driving to my hometown to watch my cousin, a cheerleader and the game. He loves football, but not the drive, so he's beeing a sweetheart to drive me down there. I hope this weekend is good binge-wise, and that I get a lot of work done. I hope all of you have the same optimistic attitude I do in this moment.
My binges are once a day, and have even been cut down to an hour or less (as opposed to 1.5). There is a huge shift in my brain it seems. I'm desiring something more, a goal, something to be excited and passionate about. This is the role bulimia filled for me, but it's just not doing it anymore. Any ideas on a replacement?
I love psychology, but don't know what field to go into, there are so many: counseling, experimental, health, etc. I have this overwhelming need to learn and dig and DO something now. My mind never stops going. This can be a BAD thing when I'm sitting in class feeling fat, noticing thinner girls, thinking of food. But I need an avenue for those thoughts, which want to go a different direction now. I'm thinking maybe doing free tutuoring for middle or hs students, but don't know how to go about it.
Tomorrow is my bf's bday. We're driving to my hometown to watch my cousin, a cheerleader and the game. He loves football, but not the drive, so he's beeing a sweetheart to drive me down there. I hope this weekend is good binge-wise, and that I get a lot of work done. I hope all of you have the same optimistic attitude I do in this moment.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Uncertainty
Today sucks. Last night sucked. I am beyond pissed and hurt. Maybe I need to take my Abilify which I ran out of. Whatever, that doesn't change the fact that Travis probably doesn't love me. How do you date no one else for 3 years and waste your time on them, but not love them? I don't understand. I just got tired of him never telling me how he feels and got mad last night. We even drove to the restaurant and left bc he "didn't want to eat if I was going to be that way all night". So I was like fine. But he acts like he doesn't know what I want. All I want is love! How hard is it to say? And if he doesn't love me, why doesn't he break up with me? And why does he call me like 4 times a day? I guess we might be broken up. I don't know. But I was supposed to go to a car wash for psychology society today and didn't bc I was up all night binging. Then this morning I binged but didn't purge till waaay later, and that's how I got so freakin fat in the first place! If Travis and I break up, I'd better learn to get skinny again so I can find some dates! AAAHHHHH! Plus, I have to do this paper today in APA format, which I don't know, along with other homework. I can't concentrate, though. Sorry for all the negativity. I have a new psychologist appt on Monday, so that should be good. Made an A on spanish test. Okay that was one good thing. But I still hate myself.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Update
Even if no one reads my blog anymore, I suppose it will be theraputic to post. Here goes... I've gained a bunch of weight. Let's say I'm 20 lbs above my goal weight. And if it's progress, my gw is NOT my lowest weight. Yeah, none of my jeans fit and I find my body really ugly and average right now. Then again, I never got the joy I'd expected when I was at my gw, either. So whatever, more importan than attaining this gw is for me to graduate college soon. Things are looking up!
I've not been missing any of my 5 and 1/2(that's pilates, lol) classes this semester. My top priority each day is completing assignments and studying, not binging. I LOVE having a sense of purpose now, aiming for all A's, considering grad school, and of course, planning out a cute outfit each night for the school day! There's something about dressing up that makes me feel important.
Unfortunately, it's still here, visiting for an hour or two each day, returning multiple times on the weekends. Filling my thoughts constantly during precious class hours. Bulimia is the dark shadow suffocating my life. It is also my security blanket. What to do? Small steps I suppose. I make a meal plan each night for the following day. I surf the internet or do homework to avoid binging. Next week I have an appointment with one of the school psychologists. There is progress and I am thankful, but it is hard not to want to suddenly get better.
I can't forget this. Travis (my ex) and I are back together. We aren't perfect, but we're happy. I want to get better for him almost as much as for myself. I see how hard he works and know I can put forth similar effort in life.
I've not been missing any of my 5 and 1/2(that's pilates, lol) classes this semester. My top priority each day is completing assignments and studying, not binging. I LOVE having a sense of purpose now, aiming for all A's, considering grad school, and of course, planning out a cute outfit each night for the school day! There's something about dressing up that makes me feel important.
Unfortunately, it's still here, visiting for an hour or two each day, returning multiple times on the weekends. Filling my thoughts constantly during precious class hours. Bulimia is the dark shadow suffocating my life. It is also my security blanket. What to do? Small steps I suppose. I make a meal plan each night for the following day. I surf the internet or do homework to avoid binging. Next week I have an appointment with one of the school psychologists. There is progress and I am thankful, but it is hard not to want to suddenly get better.
I can't forget this. Travis (my ex) and I are back together. We aren't perfect, but we're happy. I want to get better for him almost as much as for myself. I see how hard he works and know I can put forth similar effort in life.
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