Something big happened this morning. I woke up, weighed myself (as usual), and saw I'd gained a pound after a day of very mild eating and no purging. Finally, and abstinent day! This pound inspirted my ED voice to yell, "TAKE TRAVIS HOME, GET FOOD, EAT, EAT, PUKE!" It tried to convince me that if I wasn't rewarded after a day of eating right, then I don't deserve to keep down anything. I thought of all the food I could exploit, desired it, and got pissed again. I'm sick of the scale making me feel bad or good or obsessed with numbers! It has been my special friend dictating my self-worth for 4 years! NO FREAKIN MORE!
So I grabbed the scale, hammer, and Travis, and ran down 3 flights in my pj's to the dumpster. I hit it, smashed it, pummelled it, over and over into 1000 pieces. It felt great. No longer will I let ED's tool be in my home.
I'm still disappointed and feel huge, but moving to a new phase of life, graduating college, means leaving this gloomy shadow behind. Not saying I won't binge/purge, but not right now and not constantly. My goal: I shall not binge for over an hour at a time, and not more than once a day. It doesn't thrill me the way it used to.
Finished the project for the psych professor. Next week they may teach me data entry, and later gathering recent literature on specific health psych topics. The 6 hours I spent volunteering there this week were so better spent than had I been home eating. This Wellbutrin doesn't let me sleep much, though. Did you know less sleep can raise cortisol and other hormones which attribute to fat gain? Must learn more about that...... This weekend will be challenging. Any of you get rest, have safe fun, and enjoy it!
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10 comments:
Congratulations for smashing your scale!!! you are my hero!! :D:D:D:D:D... it's really so big to do that...It's so difficult leaving that thing of hell apart XD. Very happy for you. I wanted to do that with mine's but i couldn't, ehehehe...my mom would freak out. But i try to not weigh myself everyday...it's the only thing i can do.
Have a nice day!!
Good job babe! You rock
Wow! good for you!! You are an amazing person! I hope you know that! "the righteous cry out and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles." psalm 34:17 The Lord is with you always! One day at a time!! smile God loves you and I do too!!
Oh my f'ing god Beth!!!!!!! I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!
You totally inspire me sweetie!
Thank you for all of you support and please know you DO deserve to keep it (food) down, you DO deserve to be healthy and you DO deserve to live without this damn disease controling your life!
So much love and huge hugs to you!
Love Lauren
Thinking of you big time Beth!!!!!I hope you are having a peaceful week sweetie!
Love Lauren
I love that you did that. Must have felt great!
hi beth!! have a nice day!! and week and more!
I love, love, love that you destroyed your scale that way. Hang in there, I know it is tough!
Fannie- I'm sorry you have to have a scale in your home. When you move out, I encourage you to leave it behind. It really is freeing.
Danyel- thank you! I'm glad we're both making changes
Hill- Thanks for stopping by! Your blog is really inspiring to me, and I appreciate you taking the time to read mine :)
Hi Lauren- You are so right. Why can't I tell myself what you are saying? I think we are better at supporting and being accepting of others than we are of ourselves, unfortunately.
Hey PTC- I think you are next!!!
Hi Disordered girl- It IS tough, but hopefully that was the first step.
I SO want to smash a scale - we don't have one but I'm thinking of going to Salvation Army and buying an old one just to take it home and whack it with a hammer. Sounds so therapeutic. Good for you!
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