As I sit here, watching the end of Desperate Housewives, drinking my laxative tea, I'm filled with anxiety. Why? Because I ate ice cream for dinner. Sure, only 300 cals worth, and organic, but I still feel like a blown up ballon (with cellulite). My mind knows I've not overindulged today, but my body and emotions are in a state of overwhelming alarm. Earlier at Wal Mart, where I usually buy my binge food, the anxiety was pretty bad. I scrutinized each item I bought. "What if it's not organic? What would happen if I ingested fruit yogurt?" (Some sources say fruit is best only consumed alone because it ferments other food in your stomach.) Just CRAZY CRAZY thoughts running through my head. So the ice cream sits, in my stomach, but mostly in the freezer...just waiting...
Okay I can't binge today bc It's been a week withough abstinance. A horrible, sleepy, irresponsible week that I want to forget. Must be strong tonight bc I have therapy tomorrow. I'm not even gonna go into what's wrong with Travis and I, but that's not so great. I just need to hear that he loves me, and not in an email.
A guy at my school was found dead in his apartement. I read it in the school newspaper and realized I knew him. He was so friendly, outgoing, upbeat, someone you like to be around. My mom and I would go eat at the restaurant where he worked and he always waited on us. He remembered my name. I can't imagine how his friends and family feel. It seems like the ones who go early are so vibrant and special in their life. How ironic.
One more thing. I'm doing a research paper on the risk factors of eating disorders and have stumbled across some fascinating theories. Listen to this one, "They (bulimics) perceived their fathers as more controlling and less affectionate. Mothers were associated with perceived high levels of maternal affection and low levels of maternal control." That hit the nail right on the head. Pretty accurate description of my childhood. Not that I'm complaining, I'm thankful to have not been abused or completely ignored. The question that matters is "will I get these notecards for the paper done by Tuesday?" lol.
Okay, I'm going to do some work, take a sleepy pill, and try to ward of the urges. Happy end-of-weekend!
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12 comments:
hey...I think the same...my parents are a little controlling and not affectionate...now things are not as extreme as in my childhood...but that was because i was a rebel and went to live with my bf in turn without their permission. It was a nightmare, and i had a child. That gave them a lesson!!! Now they respect my desicions a lot more.
Well, have a nice end-of-weekend too!
Hey girlfriend,
thanks for writing on my blog! I love getting messages!!
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
smile God loves you and I do too!
Hi Beth,
Thanks for commenting on my blog. I think part of my not-overeating now is to do with the extreme-ness of the eating disorder and knowing that if I get too full I will purge, and trying and learning how to stop myself from even getting there. That is not to say it never happens, but compared to how I used to be it is much better. It takes commitment and work... blah. I think maybe too I eat out a lot less and when I do eat out I choose vegetarian. I don't know why but it helps.
I totally get what you say about rationally knowing you haven't overindulged but still feeling the anxiety anyway. That is the worst. Usually I trip myself up when I set a certain plan in my head for what I am going to eat, and then if I stray from that even a tiny bit I beat myself up. Still working on that one.
And that is an interesting point about parents you found. I'm going to have to give that one some thought...
Hi sweet Beth, Im so sorry for the loss of your friend, such a hard thing to deal with, I know.. You sound like you are having such a hard time right now, I wish I could take some of that pain away for you hun, Im here if you need anything, even to talk!
Just let me know, take care sweetie!
Love Lauren
Hi there Beth!
Just wanted to pop in, say hi, enjoy your weekend as well, I like your writing!
Sorry to hear about the guy who died. Have you ever heard that song, 'only the good die young'? I cannot remember who sings it.
Anyway, stay strong...remember to breathe!
Fi
Hey Beth! I need to text ya sometime to say hello, feel free to do the same for me too.
I hate it when the anxiety become overwhelming and irrational. It just confuses you.
Lots of love..
Mmm, reading Danyel's comment remind me...if you would like, someday read my boring blog XD, you could go to FF 's links...i'm the last one. Ok maybe i look like an urged woman or something but it's not that!!! hahahahaha i erased the link to my personal blog in my profile so my classmates didn't find it.
thinkin' of you!!! XOXOXOXO!!!
have a nice day!!!
I'm sorry about your ice cream anxiety...I know that feeling all too well. Last night I had 2 pints of frozen yogurt and a 1/2 pound of cake...so don't feel guilty at all about a measly 300 cal ice cream treat =P
I've been running about 35 miles a week at the moment and trying to bump it up further. You could def run more than 2 miles if you work at it =)
eyyy what a nice picture!! you look so beautiful! just like a doll!! ;)
Beth----Wow chicka, you look amazing in you pic!!! Love it! Hope you are doing ok sweetie!
Lauren
Hey Beth,
How are you holding up??
Here for you!
Nice pic!
Sole
Beth!!! I didn't even know you posted!! You look FANTASTIC!!
That also hits the nail on the head for my childhood with both mom and dad....they were and are great, but that's exactly what I grew up with.
Take care Love.
Frida
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