Bad Girl

If this isn't bad, I don't know what is. I've kissed 4 different guys in the past week. That one at the library and three others. I went to a bar Friday night with a guy from one of my classes. I danced with some girls and it was so much fun! He wasn't acting that interested in me (he's really laid back). Then we went back to his apartment and just started messing around. Luckily, I kept saying no to the sexual persuasions. It was funny, though, all that goes by so quickly in a flash when you're drunk!

Thursday night I went to Windstar (a casino) with this dude who is 4.5 years younger than me. He kept wanting to hang out, also I was like whatever. But he was so sweet and complimentary to me, that I started liking him. It's crazy, though, he lost 500 dollars at the casino, but I just used 20. He wasn't too upset. We were holding hands and talking on the drive home. Then he came up to my apartment to "cuddle," and we started making out and stuff. Here's the amazing part: he's a VIRGIN! That is definitly a turn on! He didn't try to have sex, so that was a huge relief. Anyway, the next day he kept texting me asking if I liked him and trying to get me not to go on dates w other guys, but I played it coy. I'm not going to let some guy walk all over me.

Last night was by far the best. I had a date (going to the bar) with this guy I met a year ago online and went out with 3 times. He's 25 and a pro golfer, plus very polite, mature, and gorgeous. But we never kissed, so I didn't know if he was really interested ever. We meet up at this bar (I told him nowhere fancy!) with freaking valet parking. Yeah, I don't go for all that. Once I had a few cherry vodka sours, I was okay. We talked for a long time, drank a lot, and danced a little. Finally, when we were dancing and my inhibitions were fading, I put my arm around his neck and kissed him. He seemed to like it, so yay for no rejection! He said I have to call him, though. I hate calling guys.

On the way home, I convinced N, the 19yr old, to come over bc he'd just left the club. So he was really drunk I guess, but I was so glad to see him. I think I like him a lot. He kept telling me to come cuddle with him if I left him on the couch alone, and yeah, it was a great time. He might be too wild for me, though. He slept on the chair and I on the couch. He just makes me really happy to be around him.

So in all irony, guess who messages me today? Travis, sayiing, "I hate this, I miss you." Guys, what was I supposed to say to that? He wanted to break up bc of the ed and said we weren't in love, but now he misses me? I told him not to message me ever unless he wanted me back. So I don't know what he wants. I like being single, but in the future, I can't picure having a family with anyone else. I just know he's going to find a better girl than me and fall in love. I can't think about us or it hurts too much, so I just focus on other guys. What do I do?

The only good news of the week is that I managed not to b/p on Wed. Maybe I can shoot for two days this week. I want that abstinence back more than anything! Oh, even more GOOD news! I got the job at Br1ght0n! So over the break I will be doing that and taking a wintermester class. (And hopefully dating!) Just have to get this eating under control.

Crazy Night

It's 4am right now and I have 2 tests tomorrow. AAAhhh! I was at the library studying (and on match.com and talking) for 8 hours. I doubt if I'm going to sleep, but that's cool. Tonight was drama. First of all, I found out this guy I liked a year ago, but had never met in person, was sitting with his friends right next to me. He introduced himself and we were all joking around. So he asks for some gum and I said, "What do I get?" He asked what I wanted. I said a kiss. So anyway... we were walking around and on the stair landing I asked when we were going to kiss, he said whenever, so I went for it. My heart was pounding and I was so nervous. It was fun, but I don't know if I did a good job, lol! He said I was a pretty good kisser, but I doubt he thought so. First kisses with a guy usually aren't that great bc you have to adapt to each others' styles. We talked and he said he wants to hang out, so we'll see. I already have a major crush on him!

Then this other guy I had hit on called and asked to pick me up for coffee. I'm not really into him after talking on the phone, but hey, attention and interaction with guys is necessary for me. We go to Starbucks and he keeps staring at me and calling me "smokin." Not to mention he kept looking down at my boobs. He asked why Travis and I broke up. I said I had some health issues that got in the way. He looked concerned and I said, "Nothing major like cancer." Then he asked if it was an STD and I said no. He starts acting really strange and says we should go. In the car, he said he wasn't ready to date and all this crap and kept incenuating that I had an STD! His ex hates me, and I think she made this up and told him. I have never in my life been treated that way! So he wouldn't believe me about not having one and as he dropped me off back at school, I finally got fed up and told him I have an eating disorder and walked away. He kept trying to apologize and tell me how "hot" I was then. He even said, "If you have an ed and look that great, all women should have an ed!" Can you believe it? What an ignorant jerk!

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow for a holiday job. It's at a Bright0n store at the mall. I really need it. I will also be taking a winter minimester (Global Cultures, yay) over the break. If I keep up with school, I can even graduate at the end of summer! After 6 years of college, lol!

Thanksgiving was fun. I ate two medium size plates of food, but wasn't stuffed. I didn't purge. I did take lax's. Bad, I know. My teenage cousins and I saw Enchanted at the theater. If you are a romantic or need a good laugh, it's a great movie to see, even for adults! Unfortunately, I got in a foul mood after being around all that food and not binging all day. So I did it at home later that night. I really want one day of abstinence. I know that can lead to recovery, but I'm just asking for one day. Thank you for reading! I'll probably post again this weekend.

Relapse, alcohol

Well I'm drunk or buzzed, yay! Unforutunately in bed alone. Althjough if a guy were here we'd only be making out. But...so tonight my roommate and I went to bar and I had some beer (I haven't drank in sooo long). And a semi cute guy talked to us and bought us a drink. Whatever and then I saw a cute guy and introduced myself bc you know all that fake confidence is just working!! So I had to talk to both of them separately. I met a really cool girl there too, she taught english and is working on her phD, impressive! so I masked the perpetual deparaession for a few hours.

Bad, bad, bad. I went 3.5 days withough b/p. Then today Travis comes over and we have a talk. He said we're maybe not on a break and maybe not broken up forever. He wants me to fxi my ed and irresponsibility. The weird thing was I didn't have any cravings till he got here then I was overwhelmed with food cravings. Almost shaking. He thinks I do better without him. I have been going to the gym and eating healthy for the last few days. So why does his presence or us being togethr make me want to binge? He thinks he is the cause of making it worse! Could that be true? Say it is isn't so! Please, please, pray for me to fight the monster ED. I am determined.

Hurting

I feel so lonely right now and hurting so much. Travis and I just broke up. 3 years off and on down the drain. He says he loves me but can't be in love partly bc of the ed thing. Whatever, he'll find someone better and love her and marry her. All that time in my life was wasted with him. I have NOTHING now. I mean it. School is so screwed up bc I haven't been going to class due to eating. I have no brothers or sisters, no friends, just nothing.

So now I hate bulimia more than ever. I kind of want to die I hate life so much. Just not be here. It would feel so much better. No matter what I'm done with bulimia. No more binging or purging. It has destroyed my life. I'm not giving in to it. Ever. Whatever it takes, screaming, crying, bleeding, drinking, smoking, fucking. I don't care. And I hate the "f" word btw. So bulimia has gone out the door, like Travis, to be a part of my life no more.

Raw

Okay, so I'm not going on a diet. But there is something new I'm trying. I've been watching some videos on you tube about eating raw and all the benefits: clearer skin, more energy, weight regulation, less sickness, etc. I've also viewed some great raw recipes on you tube for cold soups, green smoothies, "cookies", practically anything. It all inspired me to buy a ton of fruits and veggies and try eating mostly raw. That's not to say I'm going to stop binging or indulging in light frappucinos, but I will be "digesting" 90% raw food. Most advocates say it also reduces cravings for cooked food and sweets, so I'm going to try it for a while and see. Whatever it takes for me to stop eating and go to class!

In other news, Travis, my supposed bf, hasn't called in about 4 days or texted! He calls me everyday, usually multiple times, so I know something's up. Whatever, I'm not going to cry over it, as I have a prospect or two in mind. I guess I'll assume we're broken up. It's so weird, though because we didn't have a fight or anything. Maybe he finally met someone better. I knew that would happen eventually. All he has to do is find a cute girl without an eating disorder and there ya go.

I'm really going to try not to binge today. It will get difficult when Desperate Housewives comes on, though. I'm making a raw soup tonight with: tomatoes, spinach, garlic, cucumber, basil, olive oil, lemon juice, and water. The fat in the olive oil should make me feel full, but we'll see. Let me know if any of you try it!

Halloween

I have a Halloween joke for you guys (kinda dirty!): Why don't ghosts have to wear condoms?
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Answer: Because they have hollow-weenies! Hahahaha, that was the cutest joke Ive heard in a long time. So, I've been doing nothing. Just eating and sleeping and sleeping. Luckily, my Wellbutrin came in the mail today so things should get better soon and we'll see if I can salvage my classes. I have a psych lab test in an hour and some homework to do so I'm gonna try to finish it before class. I'll probably do nothing tonight after lab. Fun. Anyway, ya'll have a safe Halloween!

Frustration

Well I was waiting to have a day or so of good news/eating to post again, but that looks doubtful. I just got a letter (on top of a dirty cookie pan) from my roommate about how I need to be more clean and do more in the kitchen, seeing as she just cleaned it, yaddah yaddah yaddah. Okay, there are like 2 dishes in the sink, no crap on the counters, and a bag of trash in a paper whole foods bag by the trashcan. It's way cleaner than my mom's kitchen ever was growing up at home! It doesn't smell, and there's no grime! It's also cleaner than my bf's kitchen EVER is! I mean wtf does she expect? Perfection? I guess we just have different standards, but I keep it so much cleaner now than when I lived alone. Here's a nice excerpt, "I am growing more and more upset aout the cleanileness or lack thereof....the dishes left wherever (NOT)....trash being left on the floor (NOT!)....If things don't change I won't hesitate to move home or to another apartment." Well, lol, the girl is so overexaggerating, plus she can't spell many of the words written, AND ALL the furniture NICE furniture in the apartment is MINE! So I say good luck to her finding a roommate as anal as she, and good luck finding a prefurnished apartment!!! In fact, I just might take a pic of the apt for my next post. Yeah, so I'm off now to shut my mouth and "clean" the clean kitchen.

*Update*
After a few days of ignoring each other and a return slightly harsh letter I wrote to her, she said something. Seems we'll both be compromising and I'll try to do a little better on my part. Maybe the binging will subside now? Well, at least that's one less thing to stress about.

Ice Cream and Anxiety

As I sit here, watching the end of Desperate Housewives, drinking my laxative tea, I'm filled with anxiety. Why? Because I ate ice cream for dinner. Sure, only 300 cals worth, and organic, but I still feel like a blown up ballon (with cellulite). My mind knows I've not overindulged today, but my body and emotions are in a state of overwhelming alarm. Earlier at Wal Mart, where I usually buy my binge food, the anxiety was pretty bad. I scrutinized each item I bought. "What if it's not organic? What would happen if I ingested fruit yogurt?" (Some sources say fruit is best only consumed alone because it ferments other food in your stomach.) Just CRAZY CRAZY thoughts running through my head. So the ice cream sits, in my stomach, but mostly in the freezer...just waiting...

Okay I can't binge today bc It's been a week withough abstinance. A horrible, sleepy, irresponsible week that I want to forget. Must be strong tonight bc I have therapy tomorrow. I'm not even gonna go into what's wrong with Travis and I, but that's not so great. I just need to hear that he loves me, and not in an email.

A guy at my school was found dead in his apartement. I read it in the school newspaper and realized I knew him. He was so friendly, outgoing, upbeat, someone you like to be around. My mom and I would go eat at the restaurant where he worked and he always waited on us. He remembered my name. I can't imagine how his friends and family feel. It seems like the ones who go early are so vibrant and special in their life. How ironic.

One more thing. I'm doing a research paper on the risk factors of eating disorders and have stumbled across some fascinating theories. Listen to this one, "They (bulimics) perceived their fathers as more controlling and less affectionate. Mothers were associated with perceived high levels of maternal affection and low levels of maternal control." That hit the nail right on the head. Pretty accurate description of my childhood. Not that I'm complaining, I'm thankful to have not been abused or completely ignored. The question that matters is "will I get these notecards for the paper done by Tuesday?" lol.

Okay, I'm going to do some work, take a sleepy pill, and try to ward of the urges. Happy end-of-weekend!

Screw the Scale

Something big happened this morning. I woke up, weighed myself (as usual), and saw I'd gained a pound after a day of very mild eating and no purging. Finally, and abstinent day! This pound inspirted my ED voice to yell, "TAKE TRAVIS HOME, GET FOOD, EAT, EAT, PUKE!" It tried to convince me that if I wasn't rewarded after a day of eating right, then I don't deserve to keep down anything. I thought of all the food I could exploit, desired it, and got pissed again. I'm sick of the scale making me feel bad or good or obsessed with numbers! It has been my special friend dictating my self-worth for 4 years! NO FREAKIN MORE!

So I grabbed the scale, hammer, and Travis, and ran down 3 flights in my pj's to the dumpster. I hit it, smashed it, pummelled it, over and over into 1000 pieces. It felt great. No longer will I let ED's tool be in my home.

I'm still disappointed and feel huge, but moving to a new phase of life, graduating college, means leaving this gloomy shadow behind. Not saying I won't binge/purge, but not right now and not constantly. My goal: I shall not binge for over an hour at a time, and not more than once a day. It doesn't thrill me the way it used to.

Finished the project for the psych professor. Next week they may teach me data entry, and later gathering recent literature on specific health psych topics. The 6 hours I spent volunteering there this week were so better spent than had I been home eating. This Wellbutrin doesn't let me sleep much, though. Did you know less sleep can raise cortisol and other hormones which attribute to fat gain? Must learn more about that...... This weekend will be challenging. Any of you get rest, have safe fun, and enjoy it!

New

I'm going to be okay. I'm never going to be perfect, and I may never be completely happy with myself, but things are going to be okay. So many things have happened this week! Went to therapy today, helping with research/revision in the psychology dept, head of a psych society committee, added a new antidepressant (Wellbutrin), making A's on my tests, and more.

My binges are once a day, and have even been cut down to an hour or less (as opposed to 1.5). There is a huge shift in my brain it seems. I'm desiring something more, a goal, something to be excited and passionate about. This is the role bulimia filled for me, but it's just not doing it anymore. Any ideas on a replacement?

I love psychology, but don't know what field to go into, there are so many: counseling, experimental, health, etc. I have this overwhelming need to learn and dig and DO something now. My mind never stops going. This can be a BAD thing when I'm sitting in class feeling fat, noticing thinner girls, thinking of food. But I need an avenue for those thoughts, which want to go a different direction now. I'm thinking maybe doing free tutuoring for middle or hs students, but don't know how to go about it.

Tomorrow is my bf's bday. We're driving to my hometown to watch my cousin, a cheerleader and the game. He loves football, but not the drive, so he's beeing a sweetheart to drive me down there. I hope this weekend is good binge-wise, and that I get a lot of work done. I hope all of you have the same optimistic attitude I do in this moment.

Uncertainty

Today sucks. Last night sucked. I am beyond pissed and hurt. Maybe I need to take my Abilify which I ran out of. Whatever, that doesn't change the fact that Travis probably doesn't love me. How do you date no one else for 3 years and waste your time on them, but not love them? I don't understand. I just got tired of him never telling me how he feels and got mad last night. We even drove to the restaurant and left bc he "didn't want to eat if I was going to be that way all night". So I was like fine. But he acts like he doesn't know what I want. All I want is love! How hard is it to say? And if he doesn't love me, why doesn't he break up with me? And why does he call me like 4 times a day? I guess we might be broken up. I don't know. But I was supposed to go to a car wash for psychology society today and didn't bc I was up all night binging. Then this morning I binged but didn't purge till waaay later, and that's how I got so freakin fat in the first place! If Travis and I break up, I'd better learn to get skinny again so I can find some dates! AAAHHHHH! Plus, I have to do this paper today in APA format, which I don't know, along with other homework. I can't concentrate, though. Sorry for all the negativity. I have a new psychologist appt on Monday, so that should be good. Made an A on spanish test. Okay that was one good thing. But I still hate myself.

Update

Even if no one reads my blog anymore, I suppose it will be theraputic to post. Here goes... I've gained a bunch of weight. Let's say I'm 20 lbs above my goal weight. And if it's progress, my gw is NOT my lowest weight. Yeah, none of my jeans fit and I find my body really ugly and average right now. Then again, I never got the joy I'd expected when I was at my gw, either. So whatever, more importan than attaining this gw is for me to graduate college soon. Things are looking up!
I've not been missing any of my 5 and 1/2(that's pilates, lol) classes this semester. My top priority each day is completing assignments and studying, not binging. I LOVE having a sense of purpose now, aiming for all A's, considering grad school, and of course, planning out a cute outfit each night for the school day! There's something about dressing up that makes me feel important.
Unfortunately, it's still here, visiting for an hour or two each day, returning multiple times on the weekends. Filling my thoughts constantly during precious class hours. Bulimia is the dark shadow suffocating my life. It is also my security blanket. What to do? Small steps I suppose. I make a meal plan each night for the following day. I surf the internet or do homework to avoid binging. Next week I have an appointment with one of the school psychologists. There is progress and I am thankful, but it is hard not to want to suddenly get better.
I can't forget this. Travis (my ex) and I are back together. We aren't perfect, but we're happy. I want to get better for him almost as much as for myself. I see how hard he works and know I can put forth similar effort in life.

Still Struggling

Well I'm still here...barely, it feels like. Last semester didn't go so well with school. I made an A and a C, but had to take two incompletes. Luckily, I was able to finish with a B in one of those classes and still have a test to take for the other. This semester, I'm only in 3 "real" classes and pilates. Since I never workout, pilates is great because it is relaxing and uplifting while providing some toning. It also doesn't require much energy which is great because I never have any to give. It just amazes me how people can get through a day of school or work without feeling fatigued or exhausted. Will I ever be normal enough to do that?

The bulimia is not good lately. I went somewhere for a while where I could not binge (and therefore had 2 weeks of abstinence), but ever since returning I've gone crazy and just felt like I have to binge at least once a day, usually twice. Ugh, what a waste of time, energy, and money. It really pisses me off. Yesterday, for example, I had a healthy lunch put energy and effort into my hair and makeup to go up to the library to do some schoolwork for a few hours. After an hour, I could barely concentrate because I was so desperate to binge. It was so hard to focus on the material, so I only skimmed over 2 chapters.

Travis and I have been talking a little. He actually came over last night for a few hours. It was the first time seeing each other in a long time. Weird, you would think, but things are always the same between us no matter how long we're apart. I don't know why we can't just be friends or something. If he got a girlfriend or I got a boyfriend, it would make moving on a lot more realistic. But he says he doesn't want a relationship right now, and I doubt I could be a good gf anyway...

On a positive note, I've been going to some bible studies at my school. I always try to talk myself out of going because being around new people is intimidating, but my mom says that's the devil trying to keep me away. One of them is a baptist group which is pretty huge, but we break into small groups after singing. That one I feel really awkward going to... The other is a Church of Christ group that is smaller, but more comfortable feeling. I was raised baptist, but I think I'll keep going to both till I figure out which one speaks to me more.