Saturday, September 15, 2007
Uncertainty
Today sucks. Last night sucked. I am beyond pissed and hurt. Maybe I need to take my Abilify which I ran out of. Whatever, that doesn't change the fact that Travis probably doesn't love me. How do you date no one else for 3 years and waste your time on them, but not love them? I don't understand. I just got tired of him never telling me how he feels and got mad last night. We even drove to the restaurant and left bc he "didn't want to eat if I was going to be that way all night". So I was like fine. But he acts like he doesn't know what I want. All I want is love! How hard is it to say? And if he doesn't love me, why doesn't he break up with me? And why does he call me like 4 times a day? I guess we might be broken up. I don't know. But I was supposed to go to a car wash for psychology society today and didn't bc I was up all night binging. Then this morning I binged but didn't purge till waaay later, and that's how I got so freakin fat in the first place! If Travis and I break up, I'd better learn to get skinny again so I can find some dates! AAAHHHHH! Plus, I have to do this paper today in APA format, which I don't know, along with other homework. I can't concentrate, though. Sorry for all the negativity. I have a new psychologist appt on Monday, so that should be good. Made an A on spanish test. Okay that was one good thing. But I still hate myself.
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11 comments:
I know the feeling when it comes to not being/feeling loved especially by the one person we want more than anything to love us!
All I know for sure is we deserve it and we should not have to ask for it from anyone!
It has been so long since I have been in a relationship where I really care about that person but I can remember so vividly what it feels like to think about that person all the time and wonder what is going on in there heads and just wishing this time they would actually get it, that they would actually hear us and then we remember THERE MEN!!!
No really I know there are amazing ones out there I see it everyday in this blog world of ours. Helps to keep my faith!
Breathe and know today is almost over!!!
hugs to you
Beth, I'm 33 years old now, kay? I've been EXACTLY where you are. So, maybe take my advice, kay? Or, not -- up to you. As cliche as this sounds, you need to love yourself first. Forget the guy -- he's not giving you what you need, and he's making you feel empty. You have issues that you need to fix on your own before bringing the right man into your life. And you have SO MUCH TIME to find that guy -- but, if you want to find the right one, you need to get well first.
I have been there. And, I'm telling you what I know from experience. If you decide not to forget the guy -- just don't let him dictate how you feel about yourself. If he's causing you to binge, let him go.
Again, you're so young. Give yourself time to heal yourself before adding more to your emotional rollercoaster with this guy, however much he MAY be into you. He's young, too, remember....He might not want/need the same things you do right now.
Don't take this the wrong way, PLEASE -- but, I feel I can say this to you because I myself see one and it helped immensely: therapy. Get a good psychologist to help you talk things out and befriend yourself again. That's what you need.
((hugs)) Haley
I hate the place you're at today, and hope it's long gone by now. How are you doing? Beth, you're not alone in this, never forget it.
Love
FF
Hi Lauren,
I'm new here but just wanted to say you have people who are hoping for the best for you. I read your comment on my cross-interview with Dr. Stacey about seeing the mom weighing her little girl and I SO know that awful feeling you got. Why do we need to instill this attachment to a number in girls at such a young age? Wouldn't it be lovely to just forget about numbers...I think in time, you can. Maybe the relationship trouble is so stressful, you're relying on old eating patterns as a way to cope? Just my two cents. But I'm definitely pulling for you.
Hugs,
Leslie
this shows how often i'm around! i didn't realize you had posted!!! HI!
Thinking of you today Sweetie!!!
Love Lauren
Don't hate yourself! You're going to be ok girl...
Hi!! I broke up with mi bf like a month ago...and it's been difficult...and I think that what hayley said is right...you need time to heal and to learn to love yourself... I'm through that too... I'm trying hard not to depend on my ex (we are still talking to each other) and trying to think of me in first place, and in my recovery. It's difficult... he keeps text messaging me, and talking to me on messenger and my heart it's still for him, but I want to be stronger enough to grow as a person and begin being more secure.
Don't feel sad, remember there's always a light!!!
have a nice day/week/year? hehehehe.
hugs
S
Lauren- ha, I forget that guys have a completely different mindset than we do! I guess that excuse works a little for him. Thanks for reminding me :)
Haley- Thank you so much for your advice. You know, my bf said one of the same things, that I should love myself first, and I believe it. You are right about therapy, too, and I did go this week. I know everything you said is right, and I will try to take it to heart.
Frida- Thanks for your compassion. It only lasted a weekend (the fight) but the bulimia is still kicking my ass.
Leslie- I'm glad you stopped by, I've heard a lot about your blog so I'm about to check it out :) That IS crazy, our attachment to numbers, and I want to let it go so badly.
Danyel- Hey, thanks for reading. I really like your blog and its positive tone!
Fannie- You know, it's funny, with the ex sending texts and online messages, Travis did the EXACT same thing to me when we were broken up! It might mean you two are meant to be, but like I did for a long time, it is important to be on your own for a while. But isn't is hard to grow on your own when the ex is constantly trying to communicate?
Oh my gosh yes it's damn difficult!!! because I love him so much, but we are not right, he has issues, a lot of conflicts in his mind that he needs to take rid of, and I have a lot too, starting with MIA, the main thing that depresses me and makes me miserable most of the time...we were so happy the time we were right, until we start fighting and hurting ourselves. But you know? inside me I know this is not finished...i don't know, is a strange feeling i have never felt with no one before. We need to fix our life in separate ways...god knows how much time would it be... but i hope things will get better.
I'll try to keep my mind down to earth (sometimes I can't hehe) specially when he writes me...
You should try to keep your mind centred too...sometimes guys makes us crazy!!! sometimes i found myself making a mess in my head with something that was not really important... so if you become mad with your boy first you need to calm down... what i do is to take a nap... when i wake up my mind is clear, the most of the time. :)!!
hey, how much time you and him were apart?
:D
take care!!!
I do.. appreciate you.
I hope you realize this.
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