New Pills

Can I do it today? That is the question. When I try to go even a day without bingeing, the anxiety is overwhelming. Why? I know tons about nutrition, health, anatomy, beauty, psychology. Still, I haven't found that one thing that can fulfill me and replace indulging in every food imaginable. Is it even out there? I love hiking, but there is nowhere in Dallas or Ft Worth for that. The most peaceful, beatiful place is up in the mountains near Taos, NM. In the midst of my bulimia, I was able to hike, along with my parents, up and down the 10 hr. trail. I don't think I've ever felt so genuinely, purely happy as I did up there. We hiked it a few times before, in years previous when we visited. I called it "the pretty place." Ha, that is so far from the ghetto, urban, loud surroundings of DFW. Okay, I don't live in a really bad area, but I get so fed up with people around here sometimes. Maybe thats a trigger. Its funny, I can't list any genuine hobbies that I have around here. I'm too weak to work out, but when I do abstain from purging, it is a true hobby. Not a replacement, though, it isn't THAT enjoyable. Reading needs to be my new hobby, as I want to get smarter, and always have the desire to know more. Still, I don't crave books! When I get back from Dallas Presbyterian (inpatient program), I plan to find an enjoyable place to do my community service, and hopefully volunteer afterwards. Maybe I will stumble across something. After inpatient, I hope to have energy to work, work out, go out with friends, and most importantly, focus on school. I love my classes I take (except Chem) and want to get more out of them this fall. Lately, I've only been able to complete 2 at a time bc all my time and energy is spent eating, sleeping, or purging. How pathetic is that? I was one of the top students in my hs class, and I haven't even graduated after 4 years! I just hope this recovery process clears out some room in my thoughts for school. Today, I'm still unpacking, cleaning, and organizing my new apt. Oh yes, and the pills! Almost forgot..... I haven't taken any diet pills for a month or so (they never really help), but I'm so tired of being lazy and gluttonous. So I got these new "Xenadrine Hardcore" pills which claim to have "nootrogenic properties" and of course make me feel sick if I don't eat. Well I'm probably not supposed to be taking diet pills, as I'm on Effexor, but its better than throwing up all day! At least I'm getting something done. Besides, they're not allowing any pills, organic food, computers, or cell phones at the hospital. Well I'll get back to doing the wash now...

Hello Again

It has been forever since my last post, but my life is still stalling in normal progression, so I guess its fitting. The bad news is that I have fallen back into my old habits completely, with the constant b/p cycle. All that therapy for nothing. The good news is that I'm waiting to begin an inpatient program for ed's at a local hospital. While I hate the idea of giving up control and committing all my time to some mental program centered around food, I realize its necessary for me to achieve SOME sort of meaningful life. Right now I'm just waiting......
Other than moving, the only thing I accomplished this summer was taking a summer 1 class at the college. Abnormal psychology, how ironic, right? I learned some interesnting things and loved the class, however I barely attended class and read the chapters over about once due to eating, purging, and sleeping. So I made a damn B. Okay, I deserved it, (well I probably deserved a C) but I HATE not making an A in such an easy class, especially when its my bulimia and resulting laziness holding me back.
I miss working out! The soreness, the focus, the yummy guys, and mostly the feelings of inner peace and strength afterwards. Effexor doesn't have near as significant effect on my neurotransmitters as a workout has! The norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor part of this med is supposed to cause somewhat of an activating response, but it never gives me extra energy or will to do things. Prozac is the only med FDA approved to help bulimics, but I used to take it and received only bipolar-like mood swings. Does anyone take meds that seem to help in any of these aspects? Any tips to get back on track? I'm out for now...