Sunday, July 16, 2006
New Pills
Can I do it today? That is the question. When I try to go even a day without bingeing, the anxiety is overwhelming. Why? I know tons about nutrition, health, anatomy, beauty, psychology. Still, I haven't found that one thing that can fulfill me and replace indulging in every food imaginable. Is it even out there? I love hiking, but there is nowhere in Dallas or Ft Worth for that. The most peaceful, beatiful place is up in the mountains near Taos, NM. In the midst of my bulimia, I was able to hike, along with my parents, up and down the 10 hr. trail. I don't think I've ever felt so genuinely, purely happy as I did up there. We hiked it a few times before, in years previous when we visited. I called it "the pretty place." Ha, that is so far from the ghetto, urban, loud surroundings of DFW. Okay, I don't live in a really bad area, but I get so fed up with people around here sometimes. Maybe thats a trigger. Its funny, I can't list any genuine hobbies that I have around here. I'm too weak to work out, but when I do abstain from purging, it is a true hobby. Not a replacement, though, it isn't THAT enjoyable. Reading needs to be my new hobby, as I want to get smarter, and always have the desire to know more. Still, I don't crave books! When I get back from Dallas Presbyterian (inpatient program), I plan to find an enjoyable place to do my community service, and hopefully volunteer afterwards. Maybe I will stumble across something. After inpatient, I hope to have energy to work, work out, go out with friends, and most importantly, focus on school. I love my classes I take (except Chem) and want to get more out of them this fall. Lately, I've only been able to complete 2 at a time bc all my time and energy is spent eating, sleeping, or purging. How pathetic is that? I was one of the top students in my hs class, and I haven't even graduated after 4 years! I just hope this recovery process clears out some room in my thoughts for school. Today, I'm still unpacking, cleaning, and organizing my new apt. Oh yes, and the pills! Almost forgot..... I haven't taken any diet pills for a month or so (they never really help), but I'm so tired of being lazy and gluttonous. So I got these new "Xenadrine Hardcore" pills which claim to have "nootrogenic properties" and of course make me feel sick if I don't eat. Well I'm probably not supposed to be taking diet pills, as I'm on Effexor, but its better than throwing up all day! At least I'm getting something done. Besides, they're not allowing any pills, organic food, computers, or cell phones at the hospital. Well I'll get back to doing the wash now...
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12 comments:
Hi Beth, so great to see your picture, you are gorgeous. If I saw you on the street, I would never think you had eating issues...and I'd say the same for everyone on this blog. I hope your therapy changes things for you. These new diet pills you're on freak me out. They're addictive and destructive, I know you know that, but I'm hoping that therapy will enable you to rid the pills, and put you in a happy place. You are so beautiful, I hope you get to realize just how beautiful you are very very soon.
Love,
Frida
Hey Beth,
Here's the big question, are you ready and willing to get better? If so, why did you buy more pills? Is it because you are freaking out before going inpatient?
Frida, thank you for comments. Its nice to know that I appear relatively normal on the outside while so much is going on internally! The pills aren't really bad, they're much safer than b/p all day, but probably not the healthiest substitute. Maybe its mental, but they've helped a little. You are so right, therapy and recovery should make the pills be disregarded. I should get the dancing habit like you!
PTC, thats a good question, but I am ready to get better. I guess the pills won't help my mind recover, but I suppose they give me some motivation to stop the constant b/p cycle. You are right that I'm freaking out about the hospital, as I've never had everything taken away before. The hardest part won't be stopping the act of bulimia, but altering the unhealthy thoughts. Its not healthy for anyone to desire diet pills or obsess over food, regardless of their physical actions. Thank you for reminding me that there is much more to it.
You're right, the biggest part of this disease is mental, totally mental, which is why it's so hard...I'm hoping you'll come out of the hospital, off the pills, B&P-free, and able to look in the mirror and see just how gorgeous you are!!!!!
xoxo
PS: yes, dancing, what great and fun exercise!!!! Put on some latin music, that'll do it!!
I'm glad you're ready to get better. You can send the pills my way. I could use them!
Hi Beth,
I'm a little concerned about the pills too. One thing that they can do is effect your heart rhythm (which may be out of wack from purging anyway). They're pretty dangerous.
One thing I wanted to let you know is that it's really ok not to graduate in 4 years. Because I was sick (ed), I actually didn't finish college until I was 26, and that was ok.
Focus on taking care of yourself.
~take care
Beth,
You are lucky to have the inpatient option and I know you will do so well, one small piece of advice I would have is that remeber recovery is gradual and you will look back and be shocked at how far you have come....although it will no feel like it at the time. My thoughts are with you. Keep us updated!!
Xo
Esperanza
hi! I have to let u know i will post in english from now ;) cause i really want to u to know me, as i want to know all of u, i know that would help me in my recover, i'm optimistic and i hope u are too. It's better to smile and do things right (although it's really complex and hard) than making damage to yourself...
i know i'm not the right person to tell that, but it's never too late to change.
have fun!
Hey there, how are you??? Haven't heard from you in a while. Let me know how you're doing.
xoxoxo
Frida
hey, um, i've tried a few and they rarely work for me, only the caffeine ones, but that made me so jittery i gave it up!
ah well, if only there's a miracle pill for weigt loss so we wouldn't be starving then binge/purging
hi Beth, I wanted to stop by to check out your blog. I was hoping to read your blog to get some insight that may help me battle this, but it seems you haven't updated in a while. Right now, I don't know what i'm doing. I'm trying to keep my b/p episodes to under 2 times a day (i know, it sounds stupid but atleast its a start)
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