Honesty

Being real is important, or at least honest in what you say or how you act. So I'm all up in my addiction right now. I guess I've gotten better at purging because my weight has gone down from its usual set point around 108. It was 102 this morning but that was before eating or purging. I guess as long as it stays under 105, that's okay. Funny, bc that was my target weight in high school, which was never attained. Now that I'm there, I look at myself and dislike me so much more! Anyway, I just don't know why I love and enjoy eating so much. Seriously, I could do it all day! Bulimia is my best friend right now, (yes I do hate what it does) so maybe that's why it's so tough to give up.
I went to my therapist a few days ago. She's so personable, smart, and soothing, I wish I could see her everyday or she would adopt me or something, lol! She suggested not being so hard on myself and forgiving myself, but I feel like I already let myself get away with too much. You know? Like a little kid! If I want ice cream and cake, I go buy it and eat it. Well I had 2 tests that day, which I didn't study nearly enough for. Like I ever do :( The Psychology of Personality test was okay, but I've missed half the classes so I probably didn't make an A or do great. The Spanish test felt difficult when I took it, but I knew all the words and answers, so I'm sure that went well. Maybe if I'd been reviewing the book rather than eating ice cream/cookies before the psych test, I would have done better. In a weird way, bingeing right before helped relax me too.
My ex has sent me email messages and a few texts. Usually I ignore, but I responded to a text last night and he said something like he was working on a lab and I could stop by when I was done at the library. I don't call him, so I've been waiting for him to call me, but he hasnt' since last Friday. It reminds me of that phrase, "He's just not into You" because I figure if I meant anything to him, he would call. Other guys called me this week, not that I answered, but if they're moderately interested and persistent, at least that's more than he is. Blah. It's Friday and I ran out of Cymbalta yesterday, so it should be an interesting weekend.....

I'm Still Here

If anyone still reads this blog, it is a wonder. I never feel like posting, yet I love to red other blogs and catch a glimpse of your genuine, exciting lives. Mine, unfortunately, is boring and stalled at the moment. I am alone, more so than anyone I know. This is all my doing, as I've pushed everyone away and fool myself into thinking I like solidarity most of the time. I thought my ex wanted to be in my life again, but he has stopped calling, only sent breif facebook messages to which I won't respond. I don't need a guy anyway, right now I just seem to want food. I feel ugly and empty as well, but that is what I have chosen for my life right now, so I am those things becase I live this way.
When I think about the space and things I am wasting, it hurts too much. I switched from Effexor to Cymbalta, but I guess I need more or something because I don't like the reality of the pain and emptiness I am allowed to feel. True, some days I make good choices and go to all my classes and can even abstain from bingeing and purging if I'm really busy with school or social things. It sucks that these good days are outnumbered by bad, lazy, or lonely days.
I want to be successful, but I doubt sincerely that I am strong enough for that. I HATE the person that I have become, so weak and ugly, succeptible to more negativity than anyone would admit. Never making the right choices, taking responsibility, being a functional adult. This is all so impossible and overwhelming. I can't do it, so why am I here and what is my purpose? Somehow, I can't ever picture a normal life with a job, a husband, kids, a house, etc. So what do you do with yourself if you can't handle life? I'd like to disappear...... there is no guy that loves me, I know there never can be. I don't have a job, a degree, siblings, friends, anything. So disappearing, or, death, would be great.
This is what is so horrible and ironic. I was thinking about my aunt Sharon the other day. My mom's only sister. My mom was 15, and going on a trip with Sharon and her husband, who were both 20 or 21, I think. They were in the car driving, my mom in the backseat, and Jerry (Sharon's husband) swerved for a rabbit and crashed. My aunt was thrown from the car and later died at the hospital, while Jerry and my mom were fine. They were only married for 6 months when this happened, but Sharon had a job and a promising future. Why would this happen to someone with such a beautiful life? Last year when I was 21, I had none of that, and probably lead an insignificant, appaling existence compared to Sharon. Yet, my life wasn't sacrificed. It's just hugely disgusting and ironic that someone like me is still here at this point, but Sharon had to die at such an inopportune stage in her life.