If anyone still reads this blog, it is a wonder. I never feel like posting, yet I love to red other blogs and catch a glimpse of your genuine, exciting lives. Mine, unfortunately, is boring and stalled at the moment. I am alone, more so than anyone I know. This is all my doing, as I've pushed everyone away and fool myself into thinking I like solidarity most of the time. I thought my ex wanted to be in my life again, but he has stopped calling, only sent breif facebook messages to which I won't respond. I don't need a guy anyway, right now I just seem to want food. I feel ugly and empty as well, but that is what I have chosen for my life right now, so I am those things becase I live this way.
When I think about the space and things I am wasting, it hurts too much. I switched from Effexor to Cymbalta, but I guess I need more or something because I don't like the reality of the pain and emptiness I am allowed to feel. True, some days I make good choices and go to all my classes and can even abstain from bingeing and purging if I'm really busy with school or social things. It sucks that these good days are outnumbered by bad, lazy, or lonely days.
I want to be successful, but I doubt sincerely that I am strong enough for that. I HATE the person that I have become, so weak and ugly, succeptible to more negativity than anyone would admit. Never making the right choices, taking responsibility, being a functional adult. This is all so impossible and overwhelming. I can't do it, so why am I here and what is my purpose? Somehow, I can't ever picture a normal life with a job, a husband, kids, a house, etc. So what do you do with yourself if you can't handle life? I'd like to disappear...... there is no guy that loves me, I know there never can be. I don't have a job, a degree, siblings, friends, anything. So disappearing, or, death, would be great.
This is what is so horrible and ironic. I was thinking about my aunt Sharon the other day. My mom's only sister. My mom was 15, and going on a trip with Sharon and her husband, who were both 20 or 21, I think. They were in the car driving, my mom in the backseat, and Jerry (Sharon's husband) swerved for a rabbit and crashed. My aunt was thrown from the car and later died at the hospital, while Jerry and my mom were fine. They were only married for 6 months when this happened, but Sharon had a job and a promising future. Why would this happen to someone with such a beautiful life? Last year when I was 21, I had none of that, and probably lead an insignificant, appaling existence compared to Sharon. Yet, my life wasn't sacrificed. It's just hugely disgusting and ironic that someone like me is still here at this point, but Sharon had to die at such an inopportune stage in her life.
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6 comments:
Hi Beth, I check your blog everyday, and wonder where you are and how you're doing. I was so happy to see that you'd posted, but so sad to read how you feel right now. I don't know what to say to make it better, but do know you'll get out of this major rut. You are the only one that can do it, but it is very possible. You are too smart, and gorgeous, with too much going for you, for you to throw in the towel. Chin up Babe, take baby steps forward, to get to where you need to be. And PLEASE post, you won't feel so lonely, we are all here to read what you have to say, and never judge you.
Take care.
Love your friend,
Frida
Oh Beth, it WILL get better. I know it's hard but you have to try to change your thought pattern a little. Become a little more positive and things will change. I promise you!!
You can do whatever you want. There are a lot of people on this earth that love you so keep your head up, k? IT WILL get better!!
xoxo
ptc
Hi Beth,
You sound very, very depressed. Your medication should be doing more for you. Think about seeing the psychiatrist again. A change of meds and/or dosage might help.
Beth,
I still read your blog too and I am happy when you post. And I echo frida's sentiments when I say that we love whatever you have to say and it really really helps us along. Sounds like you are have a pain in the ass kinda day. how is the eating going?
Hang in there I know you will be doing better by the time you read this! You are a stong, beautiful women.
Hi Beth- I read your blog, and was glad to see that you wrote again.. but it's sad to know that you don't think of yourself the way others do. You have SO much to offer, and even though you don't see it, we all do. Maybe you are going through what you are going through right now so that you can help other people. I know that sometimes even though I feel useless, I find myself being able to somehow help another person, because I've been there and I know how it feels. I know that even though you don't know it, you're having an effect on others. If you weren't, then how come we keep coming back to read your blog? Ü We're all in this together to help eachother! Hope you start having better days... We'll keep on checking back.
-Lara
hey beth! *sends great bif bouquet of good vibes* take care!
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