Being real is important, or at least honest in what you say or how you act. So I'm all up in my addiction right now. I guess I've gotten better at purging because my weight has gone down from its usual set point around 108. It was 102 this morning but that was before eating or purging. I guess as long as it stays under 105, that's okay. Funny, bc that was my target weight in high school, which was never attained. Now that I'm there, I look at myself and dislike me so much more! Anyway, I just don't know why I love and enjoy eating so much. Seriously, I could do it all day! Bulimia is my best friend right now, (yes I do hate what it does) so maybe that's why it's so tough to give up.
I went to my therapist a few days ago. She's so personable, smart, and soothing, I wish I could see her everyday or she would adopt me or something, lol! She suggested not being so hard on myself and forgiving myself, but I feel like I already let myself get away with too much. You know? Like a little kid! If I want ice cream and cake, I go buy it and eat it. Well I had 2 tests that day, which I didn't study nearly enough for. Like I ever do :( The Psychology of Personality test was okay, but I've missed half the classes so I probably didn't make an A or do great. The Spanish test felt difficult when I took it, but I knew all the words and answers, so I'm sure that went well. Maybe if I'd been reviewing the book rather than eating ice cream/cookies before the psych test, I would have done better. In a weird way, bingeing right before helped relax me too.
My ex has sent me email messages and a few texts. Usually I ignore, but I responded to a text last night and he said something like he was working on a lab and I could stop by when I was done at the library. I don't call him, so I've been waiting for him to call me, but he hasnt' since last Friday. It reminds me of that phrase, "He's just not into You" because I figure if I meant anything to him, he would call. Other guys called me this week, not that I answered, but if they're moderately interested and persistent, at least that's more than he is. Blah. It's Friday and I ran out of Cymbalta yesterday, so it should be an interesting weekend.....
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About Me
- Beth
- Texas, United States
- I've been bulimic and in college for 6 years.It has taken away my education, boyrfriend, money, and friends.
8 comments:
Hope everything is going well! Have a good and keep on posting for us! Ü
Wow! Lawa nose Eenglish weal wel. Sorry. I meant to put "Have a good week and keep posting for us". Anyway, now I'm gonna go study my phonics.
Hey Beth, it was nice to read your post today. I'm happy that you're continuing with your therapist and that she makes you feel good when you're there. I hope you start responding to some of the guys that are interested!!
How long have you and your boyfriend been separated?
Take care,
Frida
xoxo
Hang in there, Beth. You can do this. You can beat this thing. Keep up with the therapy and the blogging. Blogging always helps me feel a little better.
I can relate to what you write. I didn't want to live without bulimia when I was younger, because it was the one thing I could rely on to help me cope with life. It was only when I realised that my life was in danger that I managed to stop purging. As you know, the bingeing is still a problem...
I hope to see a new post from you soon. I wish we were closer so we could give each other more support.
xoxo
Mandy
hey beth, i really hope everything works out! =)
Hi Beth, I totally forgot about my blog so that is why it has taken me so long to get back to you. As for the E.D...its no good. It gets better with low carb (I did the southbeach phase 2 for a while with lots of veggies, some fruits, and some yogurt...etc)
I just can't seem to shake it. I know that I'm going to need counseling or psychologist if I want to get over this but I can't afford to slow down right with all that's going on with school and work...ughh..I guess I'll just have to cope with it on my own for a little while longer.
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