I really appreciate ya'll who leave comments and support! Sometimes I wish we could be more open with people face to face in everyday life, but that would just not be socially appropriate, would it? I feel like I don't know anyone in this town where I'm attending (on good days) college. I've been here a year, and still my ex is the only one whose life I'm really familiar with. To answer your question, Frida, we've been broken up a year (I forgot to take my Effexor for a while and did it) and still haven't started dating other people. He's calling now more often and we watched the Cowboys, so I guess we're taking steps, but I don't think he wants a relationship. Not that I would be a good gf anyway, who wants a bulimic, uncofident, pessimistic gf? I do want a bf right now, but not for the security, so that I'll have something outward and social to focus on other than food, myself, and being isolated.
The Cymbalta is okay now, but I'm not feeling motivated or exuberant or anything. Just not as depressed as I should be about having and unfulfilling, boring, bulimic life. One of the hardest parts of the day is waking up and not wanting to skip class to binge. How ridiculous is that?! Most responsible adults know they can't miss work or school just to eat. Psychoanalytically, I think my id is overdevelopped and I can't ignore that impulse to eat and binge. There is this coping mechanism (a good one) identified by Freud called sublimation where people are able to replace their inappropriate desires with a constructive or neutral action. That sounds amazing to me and I only wish I could find something as enjoyable as bingeing.
There was one day 2 weeks ago that I didn't binge. Funny story. This guy I have kinda known and seen around campus asked me to be his date to his fraternaty's wine tasting party. It was a dress up event and social things sometimes scare me so I was apprehensive but agreed to go. After class, I got my roots dyed ($17 at ogle hair school!) and finally found a pretty black and silver dress. I was really stressed and anxious about the event so I wanted to binge first, but knew there wasn't really time. I went to Target and bout a few tops and a bunch of food so I could at least have it at home to know it was there for when I needed to binge. (Weird reasoning, but it gave me a rush just buying it.) At home getting ready, I kept thinking about the food, but went to the party and actually looked very classy and sexy I think (no cleavage but the dress was tight). My date gave me a flower and was sweet. He's from Russia and has these pretty blue eyes.... A lot of the people were already tipsy when we arrived, but we tasted a lot of wines and I mostly had white bc the red was too bitter. Well I don't know when I got tipsy, but suddenly things felt really good and the wine wasn't so bad. I told him he had to drink more, though, to be tipsy too. I rarely drink anyway, so I don't know when it went from tipsy to drunk, but I started feeling wobbly and tired. We were making out a little (I think he initiated it) and he suggested we go to this bar. So he drove us, and I kept trying to put my head down and he had to shout my name or keep kissing me to keep me from dozing off! Well I definitely stopped drinking at the party and after a few min at the bar, he took me home. (I didn't let him in, you guys I'm not like that!) So I just went upstairs and went to bed.
It was a fun experience, but I don't think I'd have let him kiss me sober. Oh, this is weird, on the way to the party, Travis called me and I had to tell him I was going out. He didn't call me all that week, and then decided to on the way to the party. So the Russian guy.....I thought I'd embarrassed myself and he wouldn't call, but he texted the next morning and asked if I'd like to go out on a real date sometime. I told him I had a good time and "sure" so later he texted and asked if I wanted to go to a comedy club the next day, but I never texted back bc Travis and I were supposed to hang out. Anyway, on Sunday night he texted, "hope you had a great weekend....later" and I haven't heard from him so I guess he's pissed. I probably sabotaged the possibility of any relationship, friendship, or dating with him and I don't know why. He's a really nice guy and a lot of girls find him attractive. I'll just chalk it up to the fact that he's not 6ft. and I like tall guys. That's simple enough.
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7 comments:
There is still time to salvage the possibility of a relationship. Text him or call him, don't let this opportunity pass by!!!
I'm sure you looked great, you're such a beautiful girl, he wa a lucky guy to have you on his arm.
Keep us posted.
Love
Frida
Hey Beth! Glad you at least have fun for a night and forgot about stuff for a while. I say text the guy, if you are the least bit interested.
Hi beth, I can totally relate to your last post. I find that the only reason I skip classes is to binge, terrible I know. And sometimes at work (I work at a restaurant) I will b/p; though its not that effective, I just get enough up so I don't feel uncomfortably bloated. I work on the weekends and Mondays are the worse days because I always gain a few pounds over the weekend.
I was thinking the other day about how good my life would be without being bulimic; just to go one day without thinking of binging...but oh well, I can dream can't I? I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I understand the chemical responses that are happening to trigger a binge, but the only time I can control it if I cut out ALL sugar/carbs, and I believe that even doing that is another type of eating disorder. I don't feel like swapping one ED for another.
Anyways, it sounds like you had fun, I love red wines! The more you drink them the more you can appreciate them.
aww beth is he hawt???
*winkwink* =)
Hey Beth,
Thanks for your comments on my blog and you are so normal when it comes to wanting to stay home and eat. It is not an irregular urge to want to stay home and eat. You are a bulimic and your body is tried and wants nutrients that you have been denying it. I have been the same way myself. So don't worry about it, just do your best with recovery and those urges will go away. It did for me...and I still have days like that.
I am some what concerned with the quoting of Freud. Freud was a massoginistic son of a bitch. He believed that Plato and Aristotle where right when they said that women were biologically and logically less than men. Artistole even said women were prone to hysteria due to the fact that we menstrate.....blood flows away from the brain and out of the body and we spend the rest of the month making up fo it. So we can never function like a man. He believed women were only able to work in the realm of the body....we only have base instincts and knowledge. Aristotle thought women, as a result, should stay in the private real. Aristotle stated that men, on the other hand, are the ideal of knowledge and logic, therefore they are naturally centered to the public realm. that is working outside the home; politics etc. Anyways........Freud was an Aristotilian....he basically said women were misformed men. SO for him to try to understand women's physcosis.....well....I wouldn't put too much stock in it personally. And who is anyone to say your urges are not a normal reaction to your environment. Self-Distructive behavior is a HUGE part of our society...smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling, self-mutilation....eds...need I say more. I don't think you should be so quick to say you are an oddity. Sounds to me like you are dealing with something that a lot of people deal with in one form or another. The idosyncraites differ, but you are a smart, intelligent women and a role model for those of us who are going though this too. SO please don't call yourself or your behavior unatural....it is hurtful to your recovery. Try to see it as self-damaging, but not un natural.:)
Wow...a rant. Sorry!
Frida- thanks for the encouragement! I think he's ignoring me, tho :)
PTC- you know what's funny? I wasn't interested until he acted mad by what I did and started being all passive aggressive...
Michelle- yes, it was way fun. I love the way wine and champagne make you a different kind of tipsy! It just doesn't happen much.
Dee- Having a job is great. I used to be a waitress and loved it! That is one of my goals for when things are better energy wise. Yes, going a day without thinking about bingeing would be amazing, but just not bingeing for a day is hard enough!
Esperanza- I don't know as much about Aristotle, but his theory of women's hyseria is nonsense. Freud may have followed some of his beleifs, but he developed a theory that hysteria was due to repressed memories in some patients, not psysiological causes. He started hypnosis and free association because he didn't accept the theory proposed by Aristotle. Also, Freud let his daugter follow and study with him to make more advances in this field. Sure, some of the sexual themes are way overplayed, but I like how the theory goes deeper into the reasons and causes, rather than leaving the patient to do the leading. You are completely right when you said to accept my behavior, and not call it unnatural. This is something my therapist has said, too, but so difficult to beleive. How do you accept the one thing about yourself that you hate the most? Is that what helped you attain recovery? Thank you for your response!
Hey Beth! It's been a long time since you posted- We need an update on your life! Hope it's going well!
*lara
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